January 31, 2007

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 8:46 pm

Dear Bad Jim,
I must first say that I was brought up in a Catholic religion that is quite the opposite that is open to the Congregations today… Read below an article from the Houma, La. “The Courier” Wed.
Thibodeaux, La.
Publicly citing desires for meditation and reflection as his career approaches a milestone anniversary, the pastor of a Thibodeaux church that ministers largely to University students said that he will take a one-year leave of absence.
further down the article….
Just more than one year ago, he announced to parishioners and fellow priests that he is a celibate homosexual, raising eyebrows and some ire from local Catholics who questioned at the time whether his post at (a local University) was appropriate under the circumstances.
A Celibate Homosexual???????????
How different is that from a Heterosexual who is Celibate??????????
Coonass Kim LeBlanc
New Iberia, Louisiana

That’s simple. It has to do with one’s choice of wacking material!
Your letter also reminds me of the famous question:
What do you call 6 lesbians and 6 government workers?
A dozen people that don’t do dick!
Bad Jim

Colts practice delayed

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:36 pm

A little recycled humor from Uncle Randy:
The Indianapolis Colts football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Tony Dungy immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players, was actually the “goal line”.
Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again anytime soon in the future…


How Bears fans amuse themselves

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 1:25 am

An oldie from Uncle Randy in Chicago (where else?)
We Chicago Bear fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Green Bay fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious green & gold “G” on his shirt. We would swerve our cars as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest,

“Where are you going Father?”

“I’m going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“Climb in, Father! I’ll give you a lift!”

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Green Bay fan walking down the road, with that “G” shirt on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him but, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud “THUD.”

Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but still didn’t see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said,

“Sorry Father, I almost hit that Green Bay fan.”

“That’s OK,” replied the priest, “I got him with the door.”

January 30, 2007

In the shadows

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 10:33 pm

From Sal in British Columbia:
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty quid . . .” she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it’s only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” Paddy answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know it is your wife.”

“Well,” Paddy says, “neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.”

January 29, 2007

In the News - Zamboni drivers iced

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:17 am

January 29th is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.

Crap! Bad Jim forgot to remind you to have a Happy John Crapper Day on Saturday. Thanks to Hugh Jass for reminding me.
Dug up by Injuneer Joe in Arizona:
Fast-food trip gets Zamboni drivers fired
John Miller Associated Press
Nov. 23, 2006 12:00 AM
BOISE, Idaho - Two employees of the city’s ice-skating rink have been fired for making a midnight fast-food run in a pair of Zambonis.

An anonymous tipster reported seeing the two big ice-resurfacing machines chug through a Burger King drive-through and return to the rink around 12:30 a.m. on Nov. 10. The squat vehicles, which have a top speed of about 5 mph, drove 1 1/2 miles in all.

The Zamboni operators, both temporary city employees whose names were not released by Parks and Recreation Department, had to negotiate at least one intersection with a traffic light on their late-night creep from Idaho Ice World. advertisement

“They were fired immediately,” Parks Department Director Jim Hall said. “We’re pretty sure it was just the one time. When we interviewed them, they didn’t seem to be too concerned about it. I don’t think they understood the seriousness of it.”

Hall said neither the $75,000 Zambonis nor their $10,000 blades appeared damaged, but the city could charge the employees with operating an unlicensed motor vehicle on a public street

January 28, 2007

The Best headlines

Filed under: Bad Lists — Bad Jim @ 1:54 am

Greetings from Yantai, Shangdong, PRC. A recent earthquake has damaged communication lines across the Pacific so the jokelist may be sporatic until this is resolved. Anyway . . . I’m supposed to be here for 2-3 weeks.
A face we haven’t seen on the jokelist in some time - our Belizean friend Yvette! This is from her (Bad Jim added a few from the archives)

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Mayor Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

23. War Dims Hope for Peace

24. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

29. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

40. Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

41. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

January 25, 2007

When someone really irritates

Filed under: Clean, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 7:28 pm

From Jim P. in Houston:
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won’t leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link:

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