December 29, 2006

Finkelstein and Jesus

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:21 am

Groaner from Mom in Indiana:
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: “No, no, no, for the Son of God? There’s no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor? ”
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein’s shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: “Jesus, Jesus, look what you’ve done for my business! Would you consider a partnership? ”
“Certainly,” replied Jesus. “Jesus & Finkelstein it is.”
“Oh, no, no,” said Finkelstein. “Finkelstein & Jesus After all, I am the craftsman.” The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein’s shop.
Can you guess what it read?

*Lord and Taylor*

December 28, 2006

Liked best . . .

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 11:10 am

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about “0ral sex”:
a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

December 26, 2006


Filed under: Bad Medicine, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 2:30 pm

RIP: James Brown, 1933-2006, The Godfather of Soul – who brought a whole new meaning to the expression *I feel good!*
Welcome Sailor Bill in Rockport, Texas to Jim’s Bad Jokelist.
Here’s a very bad one from Injun Joe in Arizona:
A man picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.
When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them.
“Eeek!” she says.
“Oh, I used to have toe-lio,” he says.
“You mean polio?”
“No, toe-lio.”
So they continue. When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers.
“Eeek!” she says.
“Oh, I used to have the knee-sles,” he says.
“You mean measles?”
“No, knee-sles.”
Still undaunted, they continue.
When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, “Don’t tell me! Small-cocks!”

December 25, 2006

Eating Tips for the Holidays

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:44 pm

It’s time for this oldie again– from AwT in Austin, Texas:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rumballs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an “eggnog-aholic” or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with sk! im milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple,! pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO what a ride!”


December 23, 2006

Happy Festivus!

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 10:23 pm

It’s December 23rd!
Happy Festivus!

The airing of grievances will begin shortly.

December 22, 2006

Gift wrapping Tips for Men

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 3:26 pm

Compliments of Mrs Bad Jim aka Christy:
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of Matthew, “presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.”

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact. There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: “And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, ‘Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!’ And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense.”

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is “if it’s such a poor gift that I don’t want to be there when the person opens it.”

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. “No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,” Gene said. “They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.”

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it’s myrrh.

* The editors of Woman’s Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It’s a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It’s a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
~(c) by Dave Barry~

Don’t forget to laugh during this Christmas season, and to my knowledge one of the wise men was not named Herb.

December 21, 2006

Christmas Insured

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 5:42 pm

From Natty in Houston:
T’was the night before Christmas (12:01 A.M. EST 12/25/2004 )and all through the house (single family, masonry veneer 1 1/2 story with basement, 1128 ground floor sq. ft. 5-6 corners, territory 68, PC 1)

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (through pride of ownership and excellent maintenance.) The (flame retardant) stockings were hung by the (contractor installed) chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there (in spite of dead-bolt locks and ADT central station alarm system, certificate on file.)

The children (ages 4,8,14 & 16) were all nestled snug in their beds (check MVR on 16 year old - possible undisclosed driver) While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads (must check for drug use.)

Mama in her kerchief (scheduled heirloom) and I in my cap had just settled down for a long winters nap (check employment - is insured sleeping all day?)

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter (check into condition of premises, housekeeping etc), I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, threw back the curtains and tore open the sash (intentional destructive act - no coverage. Also, as far as we know, insured only wearing a cap in front of uncovered window.)

What to my wondrous eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer (note to check if sleigh rated business use and corporate owned). With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick (order medical on 600 year old driver; notify life underwriter for possible table rating).

More rapid than eagles (check MVR for speeding violations) his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name (possible aggressive driver?): Now Dasher (turbo equip?) now Dancer (classic?) now Prancer (check lifestyle) now Vixen (definitely check lifestyle), On Comet (possible muscle deer) on Cupid (lifestyle again) on Donner (4×4) and Blitzen (possible drinking problem?)

To the top of the porch to the top of the wall (check for structural damage also look into height exposures), Now dash away, dash away, dash away all. (also old man climbing walls either in great shape or overly medicated?) So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too (check for possible retail delivery classification of autos).

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof (check for shingle damage also classification of operations; roofing is a prohibited class). As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He was dressed all in fur (scheduled items) from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot (part time job as firefighter?). A bundle of toys he had flung on his back (Check to see if insured has safety committee, check lifting training) And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes how they twinkled, His dimples how merry, His cheeks were like roses, His nose like cherry (order updated medical report, possible alcohol drinking abuse). The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth

(note - not eligible for non-tobacco discount) And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath (check batteries in smoke alarms to make sure operational). He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf (overweight for height - additional table rating?)

And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread (home invasion, stranger enters past alarm and insured not worried? Possible moral risk). He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk (review workplace for ergonomic compliance). And laying his finger side of his nose (obscene gesture?) And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose (check operations, chimney sweeps are prohibited classification, look into CGL PD deductible.)

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle (not likely with fat man and sleigh full of toys. Check GVW for proper classification, Light/Service/Local seems unlikely). But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!” (Check hours of operation, 24hr service operations prohibited. Also check into seasonal nature of business and limits of liability).

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