Badjim.com

November 30, 2006

The bears, a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 9:22 am

An oldie from Gordon in Kazakhstan:
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!?” he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For God’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once. I HAVEN’T MADE THE FCUKING PORRIDGE YET!!!

November 29, 2006

Inspirational Thot

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 10:53 am

Today’s inspirational thought is from Queen Annie in Houston:
Some people are like Slinkies … Not really good for anything…….. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

iPod diplomacy focus of sanctions

Filed under: Clean, In the News, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 9:33 am

The truth is funnier than fiction department.
WASHINGTON - The Bush administration wants North Korea’s attention, so like a scolding parent it’s trying to make it tougher for that country’s eccentric leader.

The population in North Korea, one of the world’s most isolated economies, is impoverished and routinely suffers widescale food shortages. The new trade ban would forbid U.S. shipments there of Rolexes, iPods, French cognac, plasma TVs, yachts, Segway electric scooters and more.
[Bad Jim thinks it’s time drug testing be initiated in the White House!]

November 28, 2006

Man accused of having sex with dead deer

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:34 am

RIP: The Fruitcake Lady (Marie Rudisill), March 13, 1911 - November 3, 2006
Injun Joe on the Yavapai Rez in Arizona writes:
Duluth News Tribune
Nov. 15, 2006 03:13 PM
DULUTH, Minn. - Prosecution of a case involving alleged sexual contact with a dead deer may hinge on the legal definition of the word “animal.”

Bryan James Hathaway, 20, of Superior, Wis., faces a misdemeanor charge of sexual gratification with an animal. He is accused of having sex with a dead deer he saw beside a road on Oct. 11.

A motion filed last week by his attorney, public defender Fredric Anderson, argued that since the deer was dead, it was not considered an animal and the charge should be dismissed.

“The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” Anderson wrote.

Judge Michael Lucci heard the motion Tuesday.

“I’m a little surprised this issue hasn’t been tackled before in another case,” Lucci said.

The Webster’s dictionary defines “animal” as “any of a kingdom of living beings,” Anderson said.

If you include carcasses in that definition, he said, “you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.”

Anderson argued: When does a turkey cease to be an animal? When it is dead?

When it is wrapped in plastic packaging in the freezer? When it is served, fully cooked?

A judge should decide what the Legislature intended “animal” to mean in the statute, he said. “And the only clear point to draw the line in that definition, I believe, is the point of death.”

Assistant District Attorney James Boughner said the court can use a dictionary to determine the meaning of the word, but it doesn’t have to.

“The common and ordinary meaning of a word can be found in how people actually use the word,” Boughner wrote in his response to the motion.

When a person’s pet dog dies, he told Lucci, the person still refers to the dog as his or her dog, not a carcass.

“It stays a dog for some time,” Boughner said.

He referred to the criminal complaint, in which Hathaway told police he saw the dead deer in the ditch and moved it into the woods. Hathaway called it a dead deer, Boughner said, not a carcass.

“It did not lose its essence as a deer, an animal, when it died,” he said.

Anderson argued that the statute, which falls under the heading “crimes against sexual morality,” was meant to protect animals. That would be unnecessary in the case of a dead animal.

“If you look at the other crimes that are in this subsection, they all protect against something other than simply things we don’t like or things we find disgusting,” he said.

Other crimes in that subsection include incest, bigamy, public fornication and lewd and lascivious behavior.

Boughner said the focus of the statute was on punishing the human behavior, not protecting animals.

“It does not seem to draw a line between the living and the dead,” he said.

Interpreting the statute to exclude dead animals would also exclude freshly killed animals, Boughner said. That, he said, could lead to people who commit such acts with animals to kill them.

Lucci said he would render a decision by Hathaway’s next court appearance on Dec. 1.

The misdemeanor charge carries a maximum penalty of nine months in jail and a fine of up to $10,000. If convicted, Hathaway could serve a prison term of up to two years because of a previous conviction. In April 2005, Hathaway pleaded no contest to one felony charge of mistreatment of an animal for the shooting death of Bambrick, a 26-year-old horse, to have sex with the animal.

Cheating Wife

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:05 am

From Gordon the melon-headed Scotsman who’s hanging out in the Tengiz Oil Field in Kazakhstan.
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked at the cab driver and said, “What would YOU do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover his A$$ up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

November 27, 2006

Frank Feldman

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 12:07 pm

Compliments of Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi in Nigeria.
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me; I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake.”

Passenger: “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.”

Cabbie: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too — he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank.”

Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”

Cabbie: “I married his freaking widow.”

November 26, 2006

Health warning

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 6:44 am

Bad Jim is finally back in Houston. He plans on spending all day Sunday sleeping.
A public service announcement from Full Frontal Hugs Toots in Colorado:
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh!t than to drink water and be full of sh!t. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service!

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