October 31, 2006

10 signs that you’re too old to Trick-or-Treat

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 2:25 am

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “What a scary mask!” but you’re not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least…

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

“THE” Halloween joke!

Filed under: Groaners, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 2:12 am

Happy Halloween!
And you know what that means! Time for THE annual Halloween joke!
Don’t say you weren’t warned!

Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears:



BUMP! behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him




Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.






He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping:




clappity! on the heels of the terrified man

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him..

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything! His hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough medicine.

Desperate, he throws the bottle as hard as he can at the apparition,

and . . .

the coffin stops!

October 30, 2006

Osama Message

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 9:26 pm

From Larry the Happy Wanderer – last spotted with his accomplice Peggy in their RV headed for the Wurst Fest in New Braunfels, TX.
After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still a live,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to cont a in a single line of coded message:
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it a t the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

Eventually they asked Britain’s MI-6 for help.

With in a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

Taser kids!

Filed under: Clean, In the News, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 1:58 am

Why didn’t Bad Jim think of this? Next time those pesky kids forget to unload the dishwasher — zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!
Compliments of Chriss in Tianjin, China:
NRCC Ad Says Dem Cranley Favors Tasering Kids!
By Andrew Golis
This is a good one. The NRCC has a new ad up attacking Dem House candidate John Cranley for.being in favor of tasering kids! It’s true: The ad slams Cranley who’s challenging incumbent GOP Rep. Steve Chabot for siding with the Cincinnati police department when a local pol pushed to change PD policy to make it illegal to taser kids under 11. Cranley opposed the change, saying that in the rare cases a young kid (wielding a knife, for example) needs to be subdued it’s better to taser him then shoot him. Hence the NRCC ad accusing Cranley of wanting to shock this 7-year-old girl in pigtails.

October 29, 2006

Catholic Hospital

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 9:37 pm

Blame Whiner Glen in Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan for this one:
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?”

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

October 27, 2006

Man sorry for spreading feces in courtroom

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 6:11 pm

Bad Jim is in Yantia, China for the next couple weeks. Nice place. Air is clean and the traffic is minimal. Oldest winery in China near the hotel!
Injun Joe in Arizona:
Associated Press
Oct. 5, 2006 02:57 PM
DULUTH, Minn. - A Chicago man apologized for spreading his feces around a courtroom during his trial on drug charges.

Vandale Amos Willis, 28, apologized Wednesday before being sentenced to more than 10 years in prison. Willis was convicted earlier of importation of a controlled substance, cocaine, and two other charges.

“I’m going to take full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth,” Willis told the court. “I want to apologize for everything I did in court. I’m sorry, your honor.”

He asked Judge David Sullivan to put him on probation. Sullivan told Willis his actions wouldn’t be held against him, but there was no reason to depart from sentencing guidelines.

October 26, 2006

Duct Tape, contrary to popular opinion, is not good for fixing everything!

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 5:56 pm

From Coonass Kim in New Iberia:
Clay walks into a bar and sees his friend Randy slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Randy what’s wrong.

“Well,” replies Randy, “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Clay with a laugh.

“Well,” says Randy, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Clay “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Randy, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Clay.

“So I get to her door,” says Randy, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

“I kicked her in the face.”

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