September 28, 2006

Deck chair trapped testicles

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:08 am

Bad Jim is leaving Beijing today. He should be back in beautiful
Pasa-Get Down-dena, Texas Friday night. This one falls into the
“Believe it or Nuts Department.”

A Croatian man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his
deck chair and found his testicles had got stuck.

Mario Visnjic had gone swimming naked in the sea at the Valalta
beach in western Croatia, reports 24sata.

His testicles had shrunk while in the cool sea and slipped through
the wooden slats when he sat back down on his wooden deck chair.

But as he lay in the sun they expanded back to normal size and got
stuck between the slats.

He was eventually freed after he called beach maintenance services
on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deck
chair in half.

September 26, 2006

Vast Right Wing Conspiricy to Drop Oil Prices Before Election

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 3:25 pm

According to Rockin’ Dave in New York Friggin’ City,
Overheard off the coast of Saudi Arabia this morning:
Camel 1, Camel 1 this is WD-40 do you copy?

Go Ahead WD-40

Roger, Camel 1, the Soda Straw is in place, repeat the Soda Straw is in place do you copy Camel 1?

Roger WD-40, advise when sucking to commence.

Sucking has commenced Camel 1 and the Chocolate Syrup is on the way to the Lunch Room

Ten Four WD-40, commencing Lunch Menu Set Up as planned Sir

Roger Camel 1, We’ll need a good Lunch on the East Coast this November .. yuk,yuk,yuk

Good One Sir, Camel 1 over and out and Godspeed.

September 25, 2006

911 Calls!

Filed under: Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 3:28 am

Gordon the melon-headed Scotsman in Kazakhstan writes:
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 - What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 - What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 - What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 - What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

September 24, 2006

On France

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 3:20 am

Greetings from People’s Republic of China!
There are some jewels in this batch from Dr Pam in Snotsdale, AZ:
“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”
–Mark Twain
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”
–Norman Schwartzkopf
“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.”
–Marge Simpson
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
–Regis Philbin
“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky, I don’t know.”
–P.J. O’Rourke (1989)
“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940’s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.”
–John Mc Cain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.”
–Conan O’Brien
“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq After all, France wouldn’t help us get Hitler out of France either.”
–Jay Leno
“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof ‘ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”
–David Letterman
“Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.”
–Ted Nugent
“War without France would be like … World War II.”
“The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says ‘First Iraq, then France.’”
–Tom Brokaw
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?”
–Dennis Miller
“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.”
–Alan Kent
“They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa’ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”
–Argus Hamilton
“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.”
–Dennis Miller
“Raise your right hand if you like the French, … raise both hands if you are French.”
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m’sieur?
“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII?
And that’s because it was raining.”
–John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists

September 21, 2006

God’s email

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 3:05 pm

Bad Jim is heading back to Beijing for a week tomorrow so the jokelist may go dark for a couple days:

Bad Jim’s old boss, Wayne in Colorado claims:
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them……give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering. I didn’t get one either.

In the News - Failed suicide bomber sentenced to death

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 8:01 am

File this under: Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm?

Jordan: Female failed bomber gets death
By JAMAL HALABY, Associated Press Writer
AMMAN, Jordan - Seven people were sentenced to death Thursday for
triple hotel bombings that killed 60 people in Jordan’s capital last
November, the country’s deadliest terror attack in recent memory.

The only defendant in custody was a 35-year-old Iraqi woman, Sajida
al-Rishawi, who confessed on Jordanian television shortly after the
blasts that she intended to carry out a suicide attack on one of the
Western hotels

September 20, 2006

In the news - when saying you’re drunk just doesn’t work!

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:08 pm

Compliments of Quayside Bob in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.
Man Gets Home Confinement for Groping
Man accused of posing as a mentally retarded person and groping nurses gets home confinement
CHARLESTON, W.Va., Sep. 20, 2006
(AP) A man accused of fondling home health care nurses while posing as a mentally retarded person who needed diapers changed has been sentenced to a year on home confinement.

William Mucklow, 40, of Charleston was sentenced Tuesday by Kanawha County Magistrate Warren McGinnis after pleading guilty to two counts of battery, a magistrate clerk said. Two fraud charges were dismissed.

Mucklow was also ordered to pay court costs and to pay one victim more than $400 in restitution.

Mucklow, posing as his mother, responded to ads for home health care workers and hired two nurses, telling them a man with the mind of a 2- or 3-year-old needed care, according to criminal complaints filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court in 2004.

Police said Mucklow then posed as a mentally retarded person.

The nurses, who worked separately in February and March of 2004, said Mucklow grabbed their breasts while they cared for him.

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