August 31, 2006

Public school teacher was arrested

Filed under: Back to School, Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 7:04 am

From Uncle Randy in Chicago:
NEW YORK — A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said. “They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

August 30, 2006

In the News - Bone-swallowing man

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 6:39 am

From the China Daily, Wednesday, August23, 2006
Bone-swallowing man better community

An officer in Fengcheng of Jiangxi Province has become a local legend for his extraordinary ability to swallow a fish skeleton in a minute without getting any bones stuck in his throat.

Chen had amazed his friends and colleagues by performing his feat at banquets and parties. In addition, he could also help people swallow stuck bones by offering them a cup of water.

Chen is said to have learnt the skill from an elderly prisoner about 20 years ago while working as a prison officer.
[Note from Bad Jim: But why?]

Complaints from British Council flat tenants

Filed under: Bad Lists, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 6:32 am

Spam catch of the day:
Per Bad Jim’s boss George – his wife sent him an email yesterday telling him his cat had killed a baby squirrel and left it on the door step. She titled the email: Naughty Girl. The company’s spam filter kicked the message back as porno. Now THAT IS FUNNY!
From Gordon the melon-headed Scotsman in Kazakhstan:
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats!!

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.

3) It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

8)My lavatory seat is cracked, where I stand.

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I requested permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it’s cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water; it’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road: every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2

August 29, 2006

Thongs are bad for you?

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:18 am

Bad Jim has returned from China and has some new photos for y’all on
the Bad Jim’s Picture of the Day distribution.
Compliments of Bad Jim’s old officemate Chriss ‘Da Muo Gui’ Brooke in Tianjin:
Sexy but unhealthy
They may be good for getting rid of unsightly visible panty lines - but German experts are warning G-strings are bad for women’s health.

They are even calling for the wispy knickers to be banned, following an “enormous” increase in patients suffering genital inflammation.

Dr Thomas Gent, of the Association of Gynaecologists in Hamburg, told the Sun that “friction” caused by the string section is behind it all.

“G-strings can abrade and injure the sensitive skin around the genital area - especially if they are too tight or made with badly stitched material,” he said.

He added the harm caused “can aid the spread of bacteria and cause fungal infections”.

But British women are increasingly following the example of Bridget Jones and plumping for bigger knickers.

A spokesman for high street retailer H&M said: “The trend is turning to comfortable hot-pants and slips.”

Ask your favorite bartender

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 6:46 am

From Coonass Kim in Louisiana:
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. “I’ve got problems, Doc. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy”.

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?” asked Bubba.

“Eighty dollars per visit”, replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Well, Doc, $80 bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money”, said Bubba. “A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!”

“Is that so”, grumped the psychiatrist. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

August 28, 2006

Dear Husband

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 9:55 am

From Terry ‘Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi in Port Harcourt, Nigeria:
Dear Husband
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

Signed Your Ex-Wife

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your brother and I are moving away to Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee be cause the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

August 27, 2006

Luigi’s Treep

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 9:52 am

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, “Hey, Luigi, how wasa da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”

“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.

“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘No eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.’

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.’ We go to a smokina car, and I smokea my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata top of his a voice…’Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!’

“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna taka da bus.”

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