May 31, 2006

Texas Teacher

Filed under: Back to School, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:27 am

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her Kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and the teacher could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”

In the News - I’ll show her

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, In the News — Bad Jim @ 5:10 am

Search for Cruise Ship Jumper Suspended
© 2006 The Associated Press

NEW YORK — The Coast Guard suspended its search for a Carnival Cruise Lines passenger who jumped overboard while returning from the British Virgin Islands with his family.

Ramesh Krishnamurthy, 35, of Doylestown, Pa., had been arguing with his wife over the bar tab early Saturday when he jumped from the ship.

The Coast Guard searched the waters for 17 hours before suspending the search Sunday night after “we exhausted all our options,” Evanson said.

Evanson said Krishnamurthy was “under the influence of alcohol when he participated in the argument with his wife.” Authorities did not suspect foul play.

May 30, 2006

A win-win-win situation.

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 4:59 pm

From Rigger Robert in China (among others):
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you have for me to solve?

Thought for the day…

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 4:57 pm

From Coonass Kim in Louisiana:
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked.

Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.

May 27, 2006

The vibrator

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 9:01 am

Welcome the return to Bad Jim’s Jokelist of Tom “Bus Station” Trow –
a Big Easy Pub regular.
An oldie from Trojan Sandy of Valparaiso, IN.
A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

“What are you doing?” asked the mother.

“Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I’m ugly. I’ll never get married so this is pretty much my husband.”

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom
and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.

“His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I’m 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.

“What on earth are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!”

May 26, 2006

It’s ‘coming’ up this Saturday!

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 10:31 am

Anyone want o sponsor Bad Jim?
Compliments of Dr Deho of Houston, TX.
Bad Jim hopes this doesn’t get out of hand! (rimshot)

Annual Charity Masturbate-a-thon Looming
By: Ed Crane
Posted: 10:20 am PDT 5-24-2006

SAN FRANCISCO - It’s that time again: May is official Masturbation Month. Join others and “cum for the cause” at the Masturbate-A-Thon Saturday, May 27, at the Center of Sex and Culture. The event starts at 4 p.m. Live feeds will be available at the website on the day of the event.

Prospective participants who can’t join the crowd in San Francisco are encouraged to sponsor local gatherings.

Similar to walkathons and other pay-by-the-mile events, Masturbate-a-thon raises funds for charity in a more intimate and entertaining way. Funds will be donated to non-profit organizations that provide sex education or serve the needs of those affected by sexually transmitted diseases.

Cutting expenses

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 7:46 am

According to Coonass Kim in New Iberia, Louisiana: My wife left me…and I don’t understand why. After the last child was born, she
told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking

So I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup.

I said, “Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up

She said, “I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you.”

I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!”

I don’t think she’ll be back.

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