April 29, 2006

Presidenst of Oz

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:59 am

As told by Coonass Kim in Louisiana:
Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
“What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well………, I…….I think I need a heart.”

“Done,” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up stepped George W. Bush sadly and said, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”

“No problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

“Is Dorothy here?”

April 28, 2006

Tax Time!

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 3:26 pm

Have’t posted a contribution from Biker Mike in Halifax for quite a while:
Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now
and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way…
“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do…with
the crumbs from the matzo?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada.”

“Revenue Canada?,” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “Revenue Canada.

And… about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

April 27, 2006

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:12 am

Dear Bad Jim,
I see where they’re makin’ a big-screen version of 80s TV show “Dallas” staring Jennifer Lopez and John Travolta.
Awesome, eh?
Peg Leg

Dear Ms. Leg,
I hate to break your bubble Peg, but Bad Jim nominates this film as the Most Likely to Suck Hard Movie of the Year.
Bad Jim

Dear Bad Jim,
I recently read on that “Honey” by Bobby Goldsboro was voted the worst pop song of all time. It is a real laugher. What’s your top 10 worse songs ever?
Injuneer Joe
Fountain Hills, AZ

Sorry for my late reply, but I decided to think this one over. I have come up with 20 REALLY bad songs that were amazingly popular in their time – just like “Honey”. It’s hard to beat a line like: “See the tree how big it’s grown (groan), But friend it hasn’t been too long it wasn’t big.” Geez – this song was actually a #1 hit in 1968!

OK here’s my top 20 – plus a few Honorable Mentions:

20. Morning After - Maureen McGovern
19. Half breed - Cher
18. My Ding-a-Ling — Chuck Berry
17. Pimp Juice — Nelly
16. Indian Lake – The Cowsills
15. Can I Touch You…There? — Michael Bolton
14. I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) — Meat Loaf
13. Ice Ice Baby — Vanilla Ice
12. Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes — Edison Lighthouse
11. Afternoon Delight — The Starland Vocal Band
10. Heartbeat — Don Johnson
9. I Think I Love You — The Partridge Family
8. Achy Breaky Heart — Billy Ray Cyrus
7. Laughter In The Rain - Neil Sedaka
6. Wildfire – Michael Murphy
5. Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast - Wayne Newton
4. Baby I’m a Want You – Bread
3. Cherokee Nation – Paul Revere and the Raiders
2. I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing - Hillside Singers
1. Dancing on the Ceiling — Lionel Richie (actually ANYTHING by Lionel Richie or The Commodores could work here)

Honorable mention:
Me And You And Dog Named Boo - Lobo
We Built This City – Jefferson Starship
Have You Ever Been Mellow? - Olivia Newton-John
I Am Woman - Helen Reddy
Old Rivers — Walter Brennen

Wadayathink Joe?

Bad Jim

April 26, 2006

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if…

Filed under: Bad Religon, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 7:19 am

1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

3. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drivetruck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

6. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

7. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

10. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if.. the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

11. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

15. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

16. You know You’re in a Redneck Church if…the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya heah”.

April 25, 2006

Nick the Dragon Slayer

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 7:58 am

Oldie but goody from Coonass Kim in Louisiana
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful
Queen’s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be instant death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The very next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and! Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that
Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s shorts.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer…….

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY - Pay your bills!

April 24, 2006

If you’ve been wondering what to get Bad Jim for Christmas

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 4:44 pm

No green light for driver with traffic signal gadget
‘That thing paid for itself’

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 Posted: 1301 GMT (2101 HKT)

LONGMONT, Colorado (AP) — A man who said he bought a device that allowed him to change stop lights from red to green received a $50 ticket for suspicion of interfering with a traffic signal.

Jason Niccum of Longmont, Colorado, said the device, which he bought on eBay for $100, helped him cut his time driving to work.

“I guess in the two years I had it, that thing paid for itself,” he told the Daily Times-Call on Wednesday.

Niccum was issued a citation March 29 after police said they found him using a strobe-like device to change traffic signals. Police confiscated the device.

“I’m always running late,” police quoted Niccum as saying in an incident report.

The device, called an Opticon, is similar to what firefighters use to change lights when they respond to emergencies. It emits an infrared pulse that receivers on the traffic lights pick up.

Niccum was cited after city traffic engineers who noticed repeated traffic light disruptions at certain intersections spotted a white Ford pickup passing by whenever the patterns were disrupted.

City traffic engineer Joe Olson said engineers plan to update the city’s Opticon system this year to block unauthorized light-changing signals.

Stop Killin’ My Chickens

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 11:01 am

From Mom
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers.
The ’school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”
The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
“How’s the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.”
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

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