Badjim.com

March 31, 2006

Mirror

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 7:48 am

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror for the very first time and looked into it.

Not knowing what the mirror was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the ‘picture’, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn’t like his father, so he hung the mirror in the barn.

Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly b!tch he’s runnin’ around with!”

March 30, 2006

CHICAGO SLANG

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 1:44 pm

From Mom:
1. Grachki (grach’-key): Chicagoese for “garage key” as in, “Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? Howmy supposta cut da grass if I don’t git intada grach?”

2. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich. When made with sausage, it’s a sassage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it’s an Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.

3. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in “Da Bears” or “Da
Mare” — the latter denoting Richard M. Daley, or Richie, as he’s often called.

4. Jewels: Not family heirlooms or a tender body region, but a popular name for one of the region’s dominant grocery store chains. “I’m goin’ to Jewels to pick up some sassage.”

5. Field’s: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain, is simply Called “Carson’s.”

6. Tree: The number between two and four. “We were lucky dat we only got tree inches of snow da udder night.”

7. Over by dere: Translates to “over by there,” a way of emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, “I got da sassage at Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere.”

8. Kaminski Park: The mispronounced name of the ballpark where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was recently renamed U.S. Cellular Field (da Cell)

9. Frunchroom: As in, “Get outta da frunchroom wit dose muddy shoes.” It’s not the “parlor!” It’s not the “living room.” In the land of the bungalow, it’s the “frunchroom,” a named derived, linguists believe, from “front room.”

10. Use: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun ‘you!’ “Where use goin’?”

11. Downtown: Anywhere near The Lake, south of The Zoo (Lincoln Park Zoo) and north of Soldier Field.

12. The Lake: Lake Michigan. (What other lake is there?) It’s often used by local weathermen, “cooler by The Lake.”

14. Braht: Short for Bratwurst. “Gimme a braht wit kraut.”

15. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb “say.”
For example, “Den he goes, ‘I like this place’!”

16. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each individual’s gender.

17. Pop: A soft drink. Don’t say “soda” in this town. “Do ya wanna canna pop?”

18. Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern burger chain. “Dose sliders I had last night gave me da runs.”

19. The Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.

20. “Jeetyet?”: Translates to, “Did you eat yet?”

21. Winter and Construction: Punch line to the joke, “What are the two seasons in Chicago?”

22. Cuppa Too-Tree: is Chicagoese for “a couple, two, three” which really means “a few.” For example, “Hey Mike, dere any beerz left in da cooler over by dere?” “Yeh, a cuppa too-tree.”

23. 588-2300: Everyone in Chicago knows this commercial jingle and the carpet company you’ll get if you call that number — Empire!

24. Junk Dror: You will usually find the ‘junk drawer’ in the kitchen filled to the brim with miscellaneous, but very important, junk.

25. Southern Illinois: Anything south of I-80.

26. Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland area are usually known just by their ‘name’ and not their Interstate number: the Dan Ryan (”da Ryan”), the Stevenson, the Kennedy (da! “Kennedy”), the Eisenhower (da “Ike”), and the Edens (just “Edens” but Da Edens” is acceptable).

27. Gym Shoes: The rest of the country may refer to them as sneakers or running shoes but Chicagoans will always call them gym shoes!

Best divorce letter ever!

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 9:34 am

Rigger Robert in Tanggu sends us this classic. This is laugh out loud funny stuff. Yeah, Bad Jim ran something similar a few years back, but this is too funny not to repeat.
Dear Connie:
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling-off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you.
They’re not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve
made important in our lives.
It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?”
It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.
Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy with you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single Mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant until later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too.
Because I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what…? 14 years? And we never used it as a sex toy?”
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out that Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the
bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It’s true, Connie, in your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fcuking remote is.
Love,
Dan

March 29, 2006

Senor Lucky

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Clean — Bad Jim @ 10:50 am

Whiner Glen of Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan contributed this jewel.
And yeah, they must not teach spelling in Michigan.

At dawn the telephone rings.

“Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Senor.”

”Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the…..!!! But there’s electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor.”

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!”

“Your wife’s, Senor…She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”
(SILENCE)……………….

“Ernesto if you broke that driver, you’re in BIG trouble!”

Chinese laundry

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:03 am

Coonass Kim in New Iberia, LA writes – “Did this ever happen to you Bad Jim?”
For the oldie but goody file.
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it came back there are still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, “Use more soap on panties.”

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. “Use more soap on panties.”

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, “Use more paper on ass.”

March 28, 2006

Old joke from Big Al

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 11:20 am

Bad Jim — Reminds me of the old joke… Big Al
Why did the Hoosier cross the road?

To get the chicken off his dick.

[Guess you had to be there . . .]

1 out of 10

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:45 am

Whiner Glen in Michigan is still crying over Duke’s early exit from the NCAA basketball tournament, but still had time to send us this tidbit:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”.

The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

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