Badjim.com

February 28, 2006

Chuck Norris Facts

Filed under: Website of the Week — Bad Jim @ 11:18 am

This is great!
From our favorite Rice U nerd, Info Bob of Houston:

www.chucknorrisfacts.com

BIN LADEN TO RUN U.S. POSTAL SERVICE

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 8:10 am

From the Barowitz report:
White House Defends Latest Deal

The White House became embroiled in controversy once again as it announced today that it had made a deal with Osama bin Laden to run the U.S. Postal Service.

Only days after it agreed to a review of its deal with a Dubai-based company to run several U.S. ports, the White House surprised Washington with its decision to put the U.S. mail in the hands of the world’s most wanted man.

But at a press briefing in Washington, Vice President Dick Cheney vigorously defended the deal, calling Mr. bin Laden “the right man for the job.”

“Osama bin Laden is eminently qualified to run the U.S. Postal Service,” Mr. Cheney told reporters. “For one thing, he’s already disgruntled.”

The vice president denied reports that he was inebriated at the time the deal was made, adding, “I had one beer, tops, and I did not make a second trip to the keg.”

Mr. Cheney said that critics of the bin Laden deal were being “narrow minded,” saying that giving a multibillion-dollar government contract to the world’s most wanted fugitive offered a unique opportunity: “This may be our best chance to find out where he is.”

The vice president added that once Mr. bin Laden has control over the postal service, there was a chance that he could become a friend of the U.S., noting, “And once he is our friend, we will shoot him in the face.”

Elsewhere, Anna Nicole Smith said she was optimistic about winning her case before the United States Supreme Court, adding, “I’m good at getting old men to do what I want.”

February 27, 2006

These people vote!

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 11:33 am

R.I.P: President Bush mourned the passing of Don Knotts last Friday, calling the actor “a great American and a role model for me personally.”

From Linda Pat in Pearland, Texas:
A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it”.

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50″. The next day someone stole it. . . . Caution! These people Vote.

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?”

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” . . . She ALSO votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.” . . . He ALSO votes!

My sister has a life saving tool in her car It’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . . . My sister ALSO votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . . He ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?” . . . SHE ALSO votes!

February 26, 2006

Trouble remembering

Filed under: Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 8:24 am

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to the
doctor to make sure there’s nothing wrong. After an exam, the doctor says,
“You’re physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help
you remember things.”

That night they’re watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair. His
wife says, “Where are you going?”

He says, “I’m going to the kitchen to get a glass of water.”

She says, “Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?”

He says, “All right.” She says, “Don’t you think you should write it down?”

He says, “I don’t have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream.”

She says, “And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?”

He says, “All right.”

She says, “Don’t you think you should write it down?”

He says, “I don’t have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream.”

Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She
says, “You forgot my fcuking toast.”

February 25, 2006

Brewer’s convention

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub — Bad Jim @ 4:39 pm

An oldie but goody from the biggest beer nerd in Houston, Foamranger
Head Bozo Scott B.

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: “In ‘Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate.”

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: “In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud.”

Hans steps up next: “In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke.”

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: “Barman, would ya give me a Diet coke with ice and lemon? Tanks.”

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: “Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?”

Paddy replies “Well, if you fookin’ pansies aren’t drinkin’, then neither am I!”

February 24, 2006

Political Correct Expressions

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 1:14 pm

Strange days we live in — Olympic men’s hockey finals without the Canadians or Americans!
Don’t despair — this just in — US Men’s Curling team knocks off the Scots representing Great Britain for a Bronze Medal — 1st ever Olympic Curling Medal for the Yanks.

From Queen Annie the Thespian in Houston — some good ones here:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “HILLBILLIES.”

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore . . .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” - She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN.”

2. She is not a “SCREAMER” or a “MOANER” - She is “VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.”

3. She is not “EASY” - She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”

4. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” - She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”

5. She has not “BEEN AROUND” - She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”

6. She is not an “AIRHEAD” - She is “REALITY- IMPAIRED.”

7. She does not get “DRUNK” or “TIPSY” - She gets “CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.”

8. She does not have “BREAST IMPLANTS” - She is “MEDICALLY ENHANCED.”

9. She does not “NAG” you - She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”

10. She is not a “TRAMP” - She is “SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.”

11. She does not have “MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS” - She is “PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.”

12. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” - She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” - He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” - He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” - He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING” - He is in “FOLLICULAR REGRESSION.”

5. He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER” - He prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.”

6. He does not get “FALLING-DOWN DRUNK” - He becomes “ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.”

7. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” - He develops a case Of RECTO-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

8. He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG” - He has “SWINE EMPATHY.”

9. He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT” - He is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.”

10. He is not “HORNY” - He is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED.”

11. It is not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants - It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE”.

February 23, 2006

Age old Mystery

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 10:02 am

Coonass Kim solves the age old mystery:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit upset, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”

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