January 31, 2006

2 more days!

Filed under: Gender Bashing, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 11:01 am

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

In the News - Ziggy the Parrot

Filed under: Gender Bashing, In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:50 am

Compliments of Injun Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ:
LONDON, England — A computer programmer found out his girlfriend was having an affair when his pet parrot kept repeating her lover’s name, British media reported Tuesday.

The African grey parrot kept squawking “I love you, Gary” as his owner, Chris Taylor, sat with girlfriend Suzy Collins on the sofa of their shared flat in Leeds, northern England.

But when Taylor saw Collins’s embarrassed reaction, he realized she had been having an affair — meeting her lover in the flat whilst Ziggy looked on, the UK’s Press Association reported.

Ziggy even mimicked Collins’s voice each time she answered her telephone, calling out “Hiya Gary,” according to newspaper reports.

Call-center worker Collins, 25, admitted the four-month affair with a colleague called Gary to her boyfriend and left the flat she had shared with Taylor, 30, for a year.

Taylor said he had also been forced to part with Ziggy after the bird continued to call out Gary’s name and refused to stop squawking the phrases in his ex-girlfriend’s voice, media reports said.

“I wasn’t sorry to see the back of Suzy after what she did, but it really broke my heart to let Ziggy go,” he said.

“I love him to bits and I really miss having him around, but it was torture hearing him repeat that name over and over again.

“I still can’t believe he’s gone. I know I’ll get over Suzy, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over Ziggy.”

Taylor acquired Ziggy as a chick eight years ago and named him after the David Bowie character Ziggy Stardust.

The bird has now found a new home through the offices of a local parrot dealer. Collins, who admitted the affair, said: “I’m not proud of what I did but I’m sure Chris would be the first to admit we were having problems.”

She added to The Guardian newspaper: “I am surprised to hear he got rid of that bird.

“He spent more time talking to it than he did to me.”

January 30, 2006

Gorillas suits and Enron

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 8:43 am

Steve ‘I get more ass than a toilet seat’ Moore in Enron City reminds us that today (Jan 30th) is
National Gorilla Suit day:

Actually, it’s international this year:

Rumor has it that Steve is going to go as a majestic silverback this year!

Good day to have a gorilla suit on in downtown Houston as the trial of our local Enron heroes Ken “Kenny Boy” Lay and Jeff Skilling kicks off today. Local hotel owners, restaurateurs and other merchants are hoping this trial lasts for months as this may be a bigger boon to the Houston economy than when 300,000 Hurricane Kartina evacuees arrived last fall with FEMA checks in hand.

Word on the street is that our own Info Bob uses the same barber as Kenny Boy. Maybe he can provide us with some insightful commentary in the coming weeks.

January 29, 2006

Voted best joke of 2006 in Australia

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:25 am

Happy Lunar New Year!

From Mortgage Man Manuel in Houston:
Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says aloud:

“Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”

The man says: “I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”

January 27, 2006

John Wayne Parkway under fire

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:28 pm

From the Arizona’s Frumious Bandersnatch:

CASA GRANDE: The John Wayne Parkway came under fire from local
Indians today. The Parkway, which runs through an Indian reservation
in Pinal County, was recently named after the Duke, who once owned a
ranch along the roadway.

“Naming a road that runs through an Indian reservation after a
cowboy movie star noted for shooting Indians, is extremely
insensitive to say the least,” said Joe Sam, honorary Indian.

The flap about the John Wayne Parkway raises the issue of whether
Cochise County, in southeastern Baja Arizona, which is named after
the famous Chiricahua Apache chief, should be renamed since the white
residents of that county killed or drove off every Apache in that area
a hundred years ago.”Maybe they ought to change the name of Cochise
County to John Wayne County, and rename the Parkway after an Indian,”
observed Mr. Sam.

The controversy over the John Wayne Parkway comes on the heels of
the demand by Arizona’s Indians that Squaw Peak, in the middle of
Phoenix, be renamed. “Squaw is an offensive description of our
women,” noted one of the protestors. “They should name the mountain
B!tch Peak and see how the white women like that,” he added.

One has to remember Arizona is also the home of the Barry Goldwater
Bombing Range.


Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 8:52 am

Happy Thomas Crapper Day!

Thanks to Hugh in Houston for the reminder!

January 25, 2006


Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:08 am

As Ranger Rick in PasaGetDownDena, Texas sez: ‘Not that there is
anything wrong with it……’

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
….A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
…. A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
….Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
.Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
….Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
….A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
…..Well Hung.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
… Single!

9. What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
… Toys for twats.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?

11. What ’s the definition of confusion?
…Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
….One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker

13. What do lesbians and Jack Daniels have in common?
.They are both hard liquors.

14. Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: The
…has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off

15. What do you call a lesbian with 10 girlfriends?
…A bush-hog!

16. What did Ellen DeGeneres say to Kathie Lee Gifford?
… May I be Frank with you tonight?

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