Badjim.com

December 31, 2005

New Rules for 2006

Filed under: Bad Lists, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 1:42 pm

From Rigger Robert in Tianjin, China:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. Now that’s your flavored water!

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ” decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino , extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet ,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: This one is long overdue. No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 onths.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

The Edge… there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
-Hunter S. Thompson

Holiday greeting

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 11:30 am

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditionsof others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

December 29, 2005

Unsuspecting Mom Gives Son iPod for Christmas — Discovers Mystery Meat

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 1:07 pm

HAWAII, Dec. 29, 2005 — Rachel Cambra couldn’t wait to see the look on her 14-year-old son’s face when he opened a very special present on Christmas morning.

The Mililani, Hawaii, woman had saved up to surprise her son with what he wanted most for the holiday, a new Apple iPod with video.

Surprised he was, and so was Cambra. When her son opened the box for the high-tech toy, he discovered the iPod that should have been there wasn’t. It had apparently been replaced with some kind of mystery meat.

“He went from joy, really happy joyful,” she said, “then to discover this, just angry and hurt.”

Cambra says the box was sealed and that it didn’t appear to have been tampered with when she brought it home from the Honolulu Wal-Mart where she works.

She says she had put the iPod on layaway so that she could afford the device’s hefty $300 price tag.

“I know what I went through to get this for him,” said an incensed Cambra. “To open up and find this? I don’t know what to say.”

“This” appeared to be some kind of sealed fish or meat product, certainly not a state-of-the-art MP3 player.

Dan Fogleman, a spokesman for Wal-Mart, said it did appear that the ackage was sealed and has contacted Apple about the matter.

He says Cambra will be given a new iPod for her son from the very ext shipment the store receives.

No one from Apple was available for comment.

December 28, 2005

Day after Christmas

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 2:25 pm

From Mom:
“Twas the day after Christmas and all thru the house,
Every creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, the batteries were dead,
Santa passed out with ice on his head.

Wrapping & ribbons just covered the floor,
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my tee-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck , with and oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. Postman.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox,
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill after bill they still came,
Whistling and shouting, he called them by name.

“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s & Sears,
Here’s Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s - all here!
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away, charge away, charge away all!

He sprang to his truck, and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster….with just a half load!
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“Enjoy what you got….you’ll be paying all year!”

December 27, 2005

Dinner Party in Rome

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 12:10 pm

Pretty bad joke from Sparky Sandy Steve in Iraq:
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him, to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, wouldn’t it be great if she would just come down and talk to me! But he went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!”

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach, all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all the way down the stairs! The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he’d been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

December 24, 2005

Woman swallows cell phone after argument

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:36 pm

Injun Joe in AZ sends this special:
Associated Press
Dec. 23, 2005 05:49 PM
BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. - It was a conversation stopper. A lovers’ dispute over a cell phone took a serious turn early Friday morning when the woman ended the spat by swallowing the phone whole.

Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. from a man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat.

“He wanted the phone and she wouldn’t give it to him, so she attempted to swallow it,” Detective Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department. “She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn’t get it.”

Police said an ambulance transported the woman to St. Mary’s Medical Center in Blue Springs. A hospital spokeswoman said she couldn’t give details about the woman’s health since police have not released her identity.

Decker said police had closed investigations on the swallowing, the first such incident of its kind here.

“This is the first I’ve heard of this happening,” said Decker. “I don’t know what kind of phone it was. I don’t know if it was on ring or vibrate, either.”

December 21, 2005

Weeweechu

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 10:15 am

Dear Bad Jim,
Do the Weeweechu joke again!

Doug ‘I have Texans season tix’ Chasteen
Houston

Here ya go Doug — A December 2004 Christmas diddy from Mortgage Man Manuel in Houston:
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s play Weeweechu.”

“Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon” said Rosita.

“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it’s
the perfect time,” Pedro begged.

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.”

“Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll play Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

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