Badjim.com

November 30, 2005

Tinsel?

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 11:21 am

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of
tinsel…. They say it’s only for the Christmas period.

Lodger

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:25 am

An old chestnut:
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

“There’s just one problem,” explained the model. “Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath.”

“That’s not a problem,” replied Doris. “We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.”

“What about your husband?”

“Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,” replied Doris.

“Good,” said the model. “Now that that’s been settled, I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight.”

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris’ staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

“It’s true, I tell you!” said Doris. “Look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.”

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model’s naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

“Well, do you believe me now?” she asked Fred.

“Yes, he replied. “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. But
why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?”

“Just to show you the difference,” answered Doris. “But I guess
you’ve seen me millions of times.”

“Yes, said Fred, “I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn’t.”

November 28, 2005

A&M cavalry member charged in UT incident

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, In the News — Bad Jim @ 3:29 pm

Bad Jim: Some people have no sense of humor!

Accused of throwing horse feces at band
Eagle Staff Report
A sophomore member of Texas A&M University’s Parsons Mounted Cavalry was charged Friday with throwing horse feces onto members of the University of Texas band before the A&M-UT football game.

John Richmond Sullivan, 20, was seen by a University Police Department lieutenant throwing a shovel full of horse feces onto band members at Kyle Field at about 10 a.m. Friday, according to an officer’s affidavit.

UT band director Robert Carnochan told police that he and the band members did not want to press criminal charges, though they did want Texas A&M to discipline Sullivan, the court documents state.

Sullivan was arrested and charged with criminal mischief because the feces had to be removed by Texas A&M personnel, causing “substantial inconvenience and a pecuniary loss of $50 or more,” according to the affidavit. He was released from the Brazos County Jail on Friday afternoon after posting $2,000 bail.

Normally, A&M does not take disciplinary action in a situation like this until an investigation is complete, said David Parrott, dean of student life. But there is no excuse for such behavior, he added.

“We look dimly on any student treating a guest of the university in such a manner that’s inconsistent with Aggie values,” Parrott said.

Parsons Mounted Cavalry formed in 1973 to revive the legacy of A&M’s horse-drawn artillery program. It remains the only collegiate military cavalry unit in the nation.

November 27, 2005

Alcohol warnings

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub — Bad Jim @ 2:49 pm

Some useful advise on drinking from West U Pat:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without
spitting.

November 26, 2005

Reason Why Gaelic Should Be Adopted as the American Language

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 1:08 pm

Compliments of Gordon the Melon-headed Scotsman:
Reasons why English is so hard to learn & why Americans hould adopt Gaelic as their national language:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that:

-quicksand can work slowly,
-boxing rings are square and
-a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig,
-writers write but fingers don’t fing, and
-grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people:
-recite at a play and play a recital
-ship by truck and send cargo by ship, and
-have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:
-your house can burn up as it burns down,
-you fill in a form by filling it out, and
-an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers. It reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And finally, why doesn’t “buick” rhyme with “quick”?

November 21, 2005

Living Will

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 10:49 am

Bad Jim is back in Houston —-

Compliments of Whiner Glen’s weekly football pool rant:
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

November 20, 2005

Snowbirds

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 3:08 pm

It‘s Sunday morn in China. Bad Jim is pretty much packed and will be on his way to Beijing for his flight back to Houston soon. This will be his last joke from China, at least for the next 6 months or so. To all the subscribers in the Rocket City area — hope to see you at The Big Easy, Hans’ Bierhaus or Monroe’s Gallant Knight real soon!
An oldie but goody from Brigid the Newfie in Paris, France:
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are Candian “snowbirds” wintering in Brownville, Texas.

Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day he buys them and wears them home walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN BESSIE?
IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ray… shoulda bought a
hat.”

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