Badjim.com

October 31, 2005

halloween humor

Filed under: Groaners, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 2:20 am

It wouldn’t be Halloween without Bad Jim sending out this groaner. Thanks to Big Beijing Al for the reminder!
Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears a…….
BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP… behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him …

faster…

faster…

BUMP…

BUMP….

BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes
through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping …
clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP… on the heels of the terrified man….
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart
is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps. .

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping
and clapping towards him..
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything … his
hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough medicine.

Desperate, he throws the bottle as hard as he can at the apparition,
and…

the coffin stops!

October 30, 2005

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF…

Filed under: Bad Lists, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 9:20 am

From Whiner Glen in the great state of Michigan — blueneck country!
Bluenecks are simply the opposite of Rednecks.

( Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern
folks look at Northerners or how Northerners sometimes think of
themselves).

1. Instead of referring to two or more people as Y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.

2. You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

3. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY.

4. You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g, boiled peanuts).

5. You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

6. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

7. You don’t know what a moon pie is.

8. You’ve never had an RC Cola.

9. You’ve never, ever eaten okra — fried, boiled, or pickled

10. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

11. You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

12. You have no idea what a polecat is.

13. You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

14. You don’t have bangs.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. You drink either “Pop” or “Soda”- instead of “Cokes.”

17. You’ve never eaten and don’t know how to make a tomato sandwich.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-’n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research
at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don’t even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.

22. You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

27. You don’t know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

28. You don’t have Maw-maw’s & Pawpaw’s.

29. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

30. None of your fur coats are homemade.

October 21, 2005

Christmas Day Golf

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 1:22 pm

Gordon in Iran sends us this classic oldie:
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car and reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I just rolled over and turned to my wife and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas it’s a great morning for sex or golf ‘ …….. and she said, “Take a sweater, it will be cold out there….”

Oldest noodles unearthed in China

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:57 am

From Dr Deho in Houston:
Late Neolithic noodles: They may settle the origin debate

The remains of the world’s oldest noodles have been unearthed in China.

The 50cm-long, yellow strands were found in a pot that had probably been buried during a catastrophic flood.

Radiocarbon dating of the material taken from the Lajia archaeological site on the Yellow River indicates the food was about 4,000 years old.

Scientists tell the journal Nature that the noodles were made using grains from millet grass - unlike modern noodles, which are made with wheat flour.

The discovery goes a long way to settling the old argument over who first created the string-like food.

Professor Houyuan Lu said: “Prior to the discovery of noodles at Lajia, the earliest written record of noodles is traced to a book written during the East Han Dynasty sometime between AD 25 and 220, although it remained a subject of debate whether the Chinese, the Italians, or the Arabs invented it first.

“Our discovery indicates that noodles were first produced in China,” the researcher from the Institute of Geology and Geophysics, Chinese Academy of Sciences, Beijing, explained to BBC News.

The professor’s team tells Nature that the ancient settlement at Lajia was hit by a sudden catastrophe.

Among the remains are skeletons thrown into various abnormal postures, suggesting the inhabitants may have been trying to flee the disaster that was enveloping them.

“Based on the geological and archaeological evidence, there was a catastrophic earthquake and immediately following the quake, the site was subject to flooding by the river,” explained co-author Professor Kam-biu Liu, from Louisiana State University, US.

It was in amongst the human wreckage that scientists found an upturned earthenware bowl filled with brownish-yellow, fine clay.

When they lifted the inverted container, the noodles were found sitting proud on the cone of sediment left behind.

October 19, 2005

The companion

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 11:32 am

Cardinal ‘Black Hat’ Ron in Houston sends us this jewel:
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased.

And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
“Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like
peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a sh!t one way or the other.

October 18, 2005

15 police comments

Filed under: Bad Lists, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 2:12 pm

From The Pamster in Scottsdale, AZ:
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country (yeah, right!).

#15. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

#14. “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birthcertificate a worthless document.” (My personal favorite.)

#13. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”

#11. “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

#10. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

#9. “Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO.”
#6. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5. “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

#4. “Just how big were those two beers?

#3. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#2. “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

And………………..

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.”

Price of gas

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 10:55 am

Compliments of Ave the Geriatric Biker in Montana:

I pulled into the gas station the other day, and asked for $5 worth of gas.

The clerk flatuated and gave me a receipt.

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