Badjim.com

August 30, 2005

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 10:44 pm

This sick bit is from Ave the Geriatric Biker in Montana:
An African Lion much like this is responsible for the death of 28 Cambodian Midgets

Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.

Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will “… take on anything; man, beast, or machine.”

This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted.

An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum.

The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.

The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back.

Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”

Unfortunately, he was wrong.

August 28, 2005

In the bag

Filed under: Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 5:55 pm

Beijing Big Boy Al writes:
IN THE BAG
A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs
counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that
the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount
of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for
Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her
husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the
court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone
in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the
mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that
passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff
opened the door to the holding cell and called, “Crook, come forward.” Five
of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled
with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not
pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”

AHH, THAT’S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too far” in
recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five
robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s
arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

August 25, 2005

Survey

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 10:28 pm

Terry T, who is somewhere off the shore of Nigera, claims:
The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a bl0w job.

Seven per cent said they mostly enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet!!!

August 23, 2005

Carmen

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 6:33 pm

From Mohamed in Cairo:
Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.

“Carmen,” she replied.

That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation, “Who named you, your mother?”

“No, I named myself,” she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “What’s your name?”

“Beerfu(k.”

August 18, 2005

But when they get the munchies, watch out!

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 1:06 am

Cardinal ‘Black Hat’ Ron of Houston sends us this jewel.
Tue Aug 16, 1:22 PM ET
Russia’s long winter will just fly by for a herd of Russian cows which, a newspaper reported on Tuesday, will be fed confiscated marijuana over the cold months.

Drug workers said they adopted the unusual form of animal husbandry after they were forced to destroy the sunflowers and maize crops that the 40 tonnes of marijuana had been planted among, Novye Izvestia daily reported.

“There is simply no other way out. You see, the fields are planted with feed crops and if we remove it all the cows will have nothing to eat,” a Federal Drugs Control Service spokeswoman for the Urals region of Sverdlovsk told the paper.

“I don’t know what the milk will be like after this.”

Drug use in Russia took off with the decline of the Soviet Union and police have been fighting drug smugglers — often shipping heroin from Afghanistan — for years.

Such large hauls are relatively common, although they are normally burned.

August 17, 2005

Idiots

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 7:27 pm

These are from Dr AwT in Houston – except for the last one that was added by Bad Jim.
They Walk Among Us
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “too many deer were being hit by cars” and he didn’t want them to cross! the! re anymore.

This one was from Kingman, KS.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.” Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” She was a probation officer in
Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often.” Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!” To which he replied, “I know - I already got that side.” This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

Idiot Sighting:
This quote from Brock Wagner, Owner and Brewmeister of the St Arnold Brewery in Houston, Texas: ‘I have actually been standing in the brewery when asked if we were an import!’

They walk among us … AND REPRODUCE!!!

August 14, 2005

You know you’re living in 2005 when…

Filed under: Bad Lists — Bad Jim @ 10:06 pm

Gordon the melon-headed Scotsman writes:
1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3 You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9″ to get an outside line.

8 You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10 You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news

11 Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

12 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND…………..

13 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14 As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
“friends.”

15 You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16 You are too busy to notice there was no 9

17 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a 9

18 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

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