July 31, 2005

Bad Jim’s Jokelist is good for your health!

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 2:42 am

A child laughs 400 times a day on the average, while an adult laughs only 15 times each day. Which is puzzling since laughter feels so good and is so good for us. You may know the benefits of laughter on the mind and spirit, but are you aware of how much a good laugh can help you physically? Norman Cousins used to say that laughter is so beneficial physically that it is like “inner jogging.”

Mayo Clinic (Mayo Clinic Health Letter, March 1993) reports that laughter aids breathing by disrupting your normal respiration pattern and increasing your breathing rate. It can even help clear mucus from your lungs.

Laughter is good for your heart. It increases circulation and improves the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to tissues throughout your body.

A good laugh helps your immune system fight off colds, flu and sinus problems by increasing the concentration of immunoglobulin A in your saliva. And it may help control pain by raising the levels of certain
brain chemicals (endorphins).

It is also a natural stress reliever. Have you ever laughed so hard that you doubled over, fell off your chair, spit out your food or wet your pants? You cannot maintain muscle tension when you are laughing!

The good news is that you are allowed more than 15 laughs a day! Go ahead and double the dose and make it 30 times today. (You may begin to notice your relationships improving!) Then double it again! You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you.

Laughter: it’s good medicine, it’s completely organic, it can be shared, it is recyclable and it’s absolutely free!

July 29, 2005

Body of Steelers fan viewed on recliner

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:14 pm

Injun Joe in Arizona sends us this bizarre bit:
Jul. 6, 2005 10:27 AM

PITTSBURGH - The body of rabid Pittsburgh Steelers fan James Henry Smith, who died Thursday, was laid out this week in what his family said was his favorite spot - a recliner with the Steelers on the television.

Smith, 55, of Pittsburgh, died of prostate cancer. Because his death wasn’t unexpected, his family was able to plan ahead for the unusual viewing Tuesday night.

Mourners stood before a small stage erected in the viewing room of the Samuel E. Coston Funeral Home, on which funeral director Roland Criswell had placed furniture, much as it was arranged in Smith’s home on game day.

Smith’s feet were crossed; a pack of cigarettes and a six-pack of beer were at his side. A continuous loop of Steelers highlights was playing on TV nearby, as Smith was reclined with a television remote in his hand and a Steelers blanket across his legs.

“I couldn’t stop crying after looking at the Steeler blanket in his lap,” his sister, MaryAnn Nails, 58, of Pittsburgh, told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for Wednesday’s editions. “He loved football and nobody did (anything) until the game went off. It was just like he was at home.”

“I saw it and I couldn’t even cry,” said longtime friend Mary Jones of Wilkinsburg. “People will see him the way he was. This is just a celebration.”

July 27, 2005

Cajuns In Heaven

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:51 pm

Bad Jim,
Try this one out - at least it’s different from those Benny Hill reruns you usually peddle.
Ave in Montana

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on The Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren’t even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair.”

The Lord said, “I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let’s call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them.”

The Devil answered the phone, “Hello? Dang, hold on.”

The Devil returned to the phone !! and said, “Hello, God,
what can I do for you?”

God replied, “Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the Cajuns you have there.”

The Devil said, “Wait one minute,” and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said “Okay, I’m back. What was the question?”

God asked again, “What kind of problems are you having down there?”

“Man, I don’t believe this….. Hold on, God.”

This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, “I’m sorry, God I can’t talk right now. These coonasses have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit Crawfish and Shrimp boil to install air conditioning!”

July 26, 2005

New wine for seniors

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 2:46 am

From Mohamed (of all people) in Cairo:

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce
the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

Pino More

July 25, 2005

Bobbitt Family Update

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 10:47 pm

Blame Terry ‘Welders do it with hotter rods’ Takahashi for this one.

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt’s sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with

A Misdewiener!

July 24, 2005

‘Raging Grannies’ want to enlist, go to Iraq

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:37 pm

From Sagging Tray George in Colorado:

Friday, July 22, 2005; Posted: 1:35 p.m. EDT (17:35 GMT)

TUCSON, Arizona (AP) — A group of anti-war senior citizens calling themselves the “Tucson Raging Grannies” say they want to enlist in the U.S. Army and go to Iraq so that their children and grandchildren can come home.

Five members of the group — which is associated with the Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom — are due in court Monday to face trespassing charges after trying to enlist at a military recruitment center last week.

The group has protested every week for the last three years outside the recruitment center.

“We went in asking to be sent to Iraq so our kids and grandchildren can be sent home, but rather than listening to us, they called the police,” said 74-year-old Betty Schroeder. “It was their place to tell us the qualifications, but they wouldn’t even speak to us. They should’ve said, `You’re too old.”‘

Schroeder said her group may approach the Pentagon to see if they could be sent to Iraq.

Nancy Hutchinson, spokeswoman at the Army recruiting headquarters in Phoenix which oversees Tucson’s recruiters, said people who disagree with the war should be contacting their legislators instead of bothering recruiters.

“They need to direct their frustrations at people who have the power to change things,” Hutchinson said. “Recruiters don’t make policy and they can’t change policy. They have a job to do and they are following orders.”

Schroeder said she hopes the trespassing charges will be dropped and an apology given to the group from the Tucson Police Department and from the recruiters.

“This was not a performance, a joke or civil disobedience,” she said. “This was an enlistment attempt.”

July 22, 2005

In Memory of all those who love their boss !

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 6:37 pm

RIP: James ‘Beam me up Scotty’ Doohan

Oldie but goody from Mohammed in Cairo:

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead .

“I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains .

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss .

“I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week .”

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss .

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK ! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ?”

“I just love hearing it …”

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