Badjim.com

June 30, 2005

Cyber Pizza

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 7:41 am

Hey — Bad Jim and Mrs Bad Jim were at Hans Bier Haus last night and met 3 jokelist members! In attandance were Hugh ‘Jass’ Kress, Dr. Deho and Wackozacko. ‘Jass’ bought us all a pint St Arnold’s Summer Pils. Black Hat was a no show, so he missed his chance to meet the famous local celebrities on hand. What’s up with that? Bad Jim even bought him a black HRC Beijing cap.

Cyber5ex with Bloodninja (a continuing series) from Dr Deho.

The latest actual cyber5ex conversation heard on the cyberwaves of
Houston.

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don’t tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John’s in
my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound 5exy.. I bet you want me in the back of your
car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John’s and
make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I’d like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping
with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, “Hello, this is Papa John’s,
how may I help you”, then they tell you the specials, and then you
would make your order. So that’s an X-Large. What toppings do you
want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm…Yes
DirtyKate: So you’re bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’m
home alone… and I think I’ll take a shower…
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and
then I’ll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate: I’m almost finished with my shower… Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can’t hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I’m on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you’re at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in the shower.
So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your
coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as a pizza
oven
DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and
cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you’re still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and
unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I
moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the
sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you
leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door….
DirtyKate: What the fu(k?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of sh!t
DirtyKate: Fk

June 29, 2005

Scotish style

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 12:03 am

Bad Jim is back in Houston for a few days. The hard drive crashed on
his ‘puter, so it’s been slow going.

From Gordon the Melon-headed Scotsman in Iran:

A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, “How much do you charge for the hour lass?”

“One hundred Pounds she replies”.

So he asks, “Okay do you do Scottish style?”

She says “No”

He then asks her, “I’ll pay you Two Hundred Pounds to do it Scottish style”

She again says no, not knowing what Scottish style was! So he then offers her Three Hundred Pounds. Again she declines his offer. So finally he say,s “I’ll give you Five Hundred Pounds to go Scottish style with me!”

Finally she agrees thinking, “Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10
years now, I’ve been there and done that, had every kind of request
from weirdo’s from every corner of the world. How bad could
Scottish style be?” So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in
every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after
several intense hours they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, “That was fantastic. I’ve never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the ‘Scottish style’ come in?” …….

The Scotsman replies…

“I’ll pay you next week”.

June 27, 2005

Dah!

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:29 pm

Bad Jim hits the road today. A few days in Houston then off to Aruba for a week of R&R. It’s a tough job but somebody HAS to do it!

Dah!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

June 26, 2005

Best drunk story of the month

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 5:59 pm

Coonass Kim in New Iberia sends us the best drunk story of the month:

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says:
“I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”

The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him square in the eyes and says……………….

“Grandpa,……. Go home, you’re drunk.”

June 25, 2005

Flight Attendant

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 4:32 pm

A guy sitting in a bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?”

Hoping to get her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, “Love to fly and it shows”

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, “Nope, not Delta.”

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?”

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, “I would really love to fly your friendly skies?’

This time the woman savagely turned on him, “What the Fu(k do you want?”

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said…… “Ah, Air Canada!”

June 24, 2005

Bad Jim’s Mailbag - 24 June 05

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 6:56 pm

Re: ‘What things are for’

Bad Jim,
All the women I know (and like) have balls. We rub our eyes to get
the residual make-up off. : )

Linda Pat the Mad Hungarian Nutritionist
Pearland, Texas

June 23, 2005

The Good Wife’s Guide

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 9:46 am

From Larry ‘Hand me a beer and take my picture’ Slate who is somewhere in Washington State this week.

The good wife’s guide
‘Housekeeping Monthly’
13 May 1955

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your
hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary
people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day
may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part
of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your
husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it
will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm
smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some Don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t
complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink
ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax
and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out
to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and
relax.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.

And number 11 compliments of Bad Jim: greet your husband at the door
naked!

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