May 31, 2005

Death Bed Confession…

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 3:04 am

Another oldie but goodie from Christy in Pasa ‘Get down’ Dena, Texas:

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“Becky my darling” he whispered.
“Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.” There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I … I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

I know, sweetheart,” whispered Becky, “let the poison work.”

May 28, 2005

Retirement Bonus

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 9:46 pm

This one is really old – Bad Jim thinks he first heard it during the Nixon Administration. It’s from the San Leon Freon up in Lake Cherokee, Texas.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my penis to my testicles..”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s penis and began to work back.

My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied . “Vietnam

May 26, 2005

Welcome to America

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 9:55 pm

Not very PC – but that’s never stopped Bad Jim before!

From Mom of all people.

A Pakistani arrives in New York City. All excited, he stops the first person he meets. “Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and.. ”

The person interrupts and says: “I am not American, I’m Mexican.”

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: “Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here…”

Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: “I no be American, I be Cuban!”

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: “Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give…”

But my friend, don’t you see that I am black? I am Nigerian, not American.”

“But”, answers the Pakistani distressed, “Then, where are the Americans??”

The Nigerian looks at his watch and says: “Oh, dey don’t get off work ’til five o’clock!”

May 25, 2005

Casualties of the Nerdpocolypse

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 9:51 pm

May 25
Happy Birthday Miles Davis
Happy Flitting Day (Scotland)

RIP: Thurl Ravenscroft, best known as the voice of Tony the Tiger in the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes commercials, has died at the age of 91.
His rich, bass voice was also known to audiences from his many years as a singer, plus you could hear him all over Disneyland. (That’s Thurl singing, “Grim, Grinning Ghosts” in the Haunted Mansion, and one of the busts along that ride was fashioned to look like him.) He also sang ‘You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch’ on the animated TV special, ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas,’ and appeared on hundreds of records and radio shows and other cartoons over the years.

More from Steve Mo in Houston:
From the Daily Mirror:

24 May 2005

TWO Star Wars fans are in a critical condition in hospital after duelling with lightsabres made by filling fluorescent light tubes with petrol.

The pair - a man aged 20 and a girl of 17 - are believed to have been filming a mock fight when one of the devices exploded in woodland on Sunday.

They were rushed to West Herts Hospital before being transferred to the specialist burns unit at Broomfield Hospital, Chelmsford, in Essex.

Police say a third person present at the incident was questioned.

May 24, 2005

Science on the cutting edge

Filed under: Bad Medicine, In the News — Bad Jim @ 3:32 am

From Da Muo Gui in Tianjin, China:

Professor Mikhail Sokolshchik of Russia’s National Medical Surgical
Center performed a two-stage penile lengthening early this year on a
28-year-old virgin, adding 5 inches to what was an almost
dysfunctionally small organ. Sokolshchik first removed the tip and
stitched it onto the patient’s forearm so that he could graft more
tissue onto it (from elsewhere on the arm). After the tip lengthened,
he reattached it to its proper place. According to an April dispatch
from Moscow in London’s Daily Telegraph, Sokolshchik is optimistic
that all functions will be restored (though he said the man will
probably be permanently semi-erect). [Daily Telegraph (London),

May 23, 2005

Laura Lou

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 1:23 am

Oldie but goodie from Gordon the Melon-headed Scotsman in Iran:

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

“What the heck was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Last week when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on,” he explained.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation”.

Three days later while he was watching a ball game on TV, she walked
up behind him and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, “What the hell was that for?”

She replied, “Your horse called.”

May 20, 2005

Tragic fire

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 9:24 pm

RIP Frank Gorshin, Batman’s original “Riddler.”

Dr Andy T of Houston:
Tragic fire
Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 13:26:22 -0500

Crawford, Texas (not AP) - A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The fire began in the presidential bathroom, where both of the books were kept.

Both have been lost.

A spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

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