April 29, 2005

Aroma of Choclate Chips

Filed under: Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 8:20 am

An oldie but goody from Scott the Head Bozo over at DeFlaco’s Homebrew Shop in Houston:

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw
himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said,”they’re for the funeral.”

April 28, 2005

German Scientists Probe Exploding Toads

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:49 pm

Compliments of Hugh ‘Ribbit…Ribbit…POP’ Kress in Houston:
Fox News

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

BERLIN - More than 1,000 toads have puffed up and exploded in a
Hamburg pond in recent weeks, and scientists still have no explanation for what’s
the combustion, an official said Wednesday.

Both the pond’s water and body parts of the toads have been tested,
scientists have been unable to find a bacteria or virus that would
cause the
toads to swell up and pop, said Janne Kloepper, of the Hamburg-based
Institute for Hygiene and the Environment.

“It’s absolutely strange,” she said. “We have a really unique story
here in
Hamburg. This phenomenon really doesn’t seem to have appeared

The toads at a pond in the upscale neighborhood of Altona have been
up since the beginning of the month, filling up like balloons until
stomachs suddenly burst.

“It looks like a scene from a science-fiction movie,” Werner
Schmolnik, the
head of a local environment group, told the Hamburger Abendblatt
daily. “The
bloated animals suffer for several minutes before they finally die.”

Biologists have come up with several theories, but Kloepper said that
have been ruled out.

The pond’s water quality is no better or worse than other bodies of
water in
Hamburg, the toads did not appear to have a disease, and a laboratory
Berlin has ruled out the possibility that it is a fungus that made
its way from South America, she said.

She said that tests will continue. In the meantime, city residents
have been warned to stay away from the pond.

Wackiest warning labels

Filed under: In the News, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 12:46 pm

Bad Jim has returned from Las Vegas relaxed and 150 bux to the good.
What a man’s dream weekend in Vegas with the Consumer Electronics Show AND the Adult Entertainment Convention both in town!

Injun Joe in Arizona informs us:

Michigan anti-lawsuit group gives out “awards” for wackiest warning labels on
January 6, 2005: 2:09 PM EST

The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, M-LAW, whose main mission is to reveal how lawsuits and anxiety over lawsuits have created a need for overly obvious warnings on products, sponsors The Wacky Warning Label Contest each year.

Other top finishers this year include:
– A scooter with the warning “This product moves when used.”

– A digital thermometer with the advice “Once used rectally, the thermometer
should not be used orally.”

– An electric blender used for chopping and dicing that reminds users to “Never
remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating.”

– And a three-inch bag of air used for packaging that read “Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device.”

The winning labels were chosen by listeners of a popular morning radio show in Detroit, the group said.

Texas snowball up for auction

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 12:45 pm

Bad Jim on the Road is coming to you from Las Vegas this weekend where the Jokelist CEO is celebrating Elvis’s birthday! (And it’s snowing)

From Joe G (no relation to Kenny!) in Morgan City, LA:

Texas snowball up for auction
Ball is from first Brownsville snowfall in 109 years; bids start at $1
Updated: 7:18 p.m. ET Jan. 3, 2005

BROWNSVILLE, Texas - A Texas A&M University student has put a rare Rio Grande Valley snowball up for auction on the Internet.

Oscar Garza is a geography student at A&M. He listed the 2- to 3-pound snowball
on the eBay Web auction site last Wednesday and will take bids on it through

Garza made the snowball Christmas Day while visiting his parents for the holidays in Brownsville. The inch-and-a-half overnight snowfall was the first recorded in Brownsville in 109 years. The starting bid is $1, plus a $20 shipping charge.

Several people are auctioning specimens of the historic South Texas snow on
eBay. One person is auctioning a large bowl of snow for a starting bid of $250,000.

Get yer coat

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 12:43 pm

From Terry ‘Welders do it with hotter rods’ Takahashi in Nigeria:
(Hope you sent this one to your old lady Terry!)

This bloke is sat around the gas fire watching TV with his missus when all of
a sudden he gets up and puts his coat on. He says to the missus, ‘Get yer coat on I’m going down the pub!’

The Missus says, ‘Great, Am I coming with you then?’

‘Like fu(k, I’m gonna turn the heating off!’


Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 7:46 am

Craig the IT Geek in Houston writes:

“Dear Lord,” the minister said and he began a prayer with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment a little Suzie leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly, “Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point…

April 27, 2005

Due to inherit a fortune

Filed under: Clean, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 1:07 pm

MBlack in Southside Place, Texas is responsible for this one

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died,
Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a
singles bar, and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took
his breath away.

“Right now, I’m just an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her,
“but within a month or two, my father will pass and I’ll inherit over 20
million dollars.”

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Some men will never learn.

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