Badjim.com

March 31, 2005

THE OIL SHORTAGE

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 6:22 am

Oldie but goody from Mom:

THE OIL SHORTAGE

A lot of folks can’t understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in America
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma
and
TEXAS
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC!

March 30, 2005

charity raffle

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 10:38 pm

Welcome Chriss from Shanghai to Jim’s Bad Jokelist. A big ‘knee how’ Mofo!

An oldie but goody from MBlack in Southside Place, Tx.

Bubba and Earl were in the local Wal-Mart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th place, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti.”

Earl asked Bubba, “How about you? How’s the toilet brush?”

“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”

March 29, 2005

Website of the Week - for special people in your life

Filed under: Website of the Week — Bad Jim @ 5:21 pm

For those special people in your life.

Website of the Week:

http://fecalgram.com/site/main

‘No sh!t Sherlock’

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 10:20 am

Bad Jim’s ‘No sh!t Sherlock’ headline for this month comes to us from Wackozacko in Houston. It appeared in Sunday’s Houston Chronicle:

“Volatile liquid distilling device may be cause of refinery blast”

March 28, 2005

A month overdue

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 5:17 pm

Compliments Mohamed K. in Cairo:

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: “Darling, I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going
to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure,
we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the
young couple haven’t paid their last bill: “Are you Mrs… Smith? You’re a month
overdue, you know!”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the man from the electric company.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files?????”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.”

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes
to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

“What’s going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

“Just calm down,” says the clerk, “it’s nothing serious. Just pay us and I’ll straighten everything out.”

“PAY you? And if I refuse?”

Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

“And what would my wife do then?” asks the husband.

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

Bad Jim’s Mail Bag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 11:09 am

Dear Bad Jim,
Have u read that the TSA in the US are going to ban cigarette lighters on commercial airplanes? What a joke. They will allow HOWEVER, a passenger to carry 4 packs of matches. I have one question: Is that a BIG or a small pack of matches? Kansas City Carol

Carol,
Maybe they should set an exact limit (by federal law of course) on the number of matches a passenger should carry. Say like 100. Then they could have a separate security line for smokers manned by a TSA agent whose sole job is to count matches.
If someone has like 102 – then they would have to forfeit the 2 matches and the TSA could auction them off on eBay to help offset costs.

But the good news about this new rule, as far as I’m concerned, is that it may allow us to bring back the great ‘match’ smartass jokes of the 50’s and 60’s.
Like:
‘Hey Buddy, you gottta match?’
‘Yeah, my fat ass and your face?’

or one of Reno Frank’s favorites
‘Hey Numbnuts, you gottta match?’
‘I haven’t had a match since Superman died’

When the law goes into effect in April I’m going to try and board with a pack of those novelty matches – you know the ones that are like a foot long and have a picture of Alfred E. Newman or George W. Bush on the cover.

Ciao,
Jim

————-

Dear Bad ‘Wildcat’ Jim,
I see my Illini knocked off your beloved U of Arizona Wildcats over the weekend in the NCAA basketball playoffs. Boo Whoooo
Chicago Al

Dear ‘I bleed orange’ Al,
I’m an alumni of Arizona State (in Tempe), not the University of Arizona (in Tucson) you douche bag.

Bad ‘Sun Devil’ Jim

March 27, 2005

Poor Box

Filed under: Bad Religon, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 5:26 pm

From Big Boy Al in Dallas:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put £50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and accordingto you, that’s the same as putting it in.”

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