Badjim.com

February 27, 2005

Baby-bottle nipples

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 6:19 am

Sparky Steve in Baghdad writes:

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: ‘Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!”

“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour, “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop!’ every so often?”

The tour guide says, “That’s the sound that ensures us that we will keep producing the baby bottle nipples.. ”

February 25, 2005

Currency exchange

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 4:28 pm

An oldie but goody from Larry “Pussyhair” Peterson in Houston, Texas:

A Japanese man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, “Why it change? Yestaday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I owny get a hunat-eighty?”

The teller says, “Fluctuations.”

The Japanese guy says, “Yeah? Fluc you white guys, too!”

Hunter Thompson Suicide Note Found

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 12:27 pm

Not sure who sent us this — but it sure is funny.

ASPEN – Hunter S. Thompson, who fatally shot himself at his Colorado home Sunday
night, left behind a 352-page suicide note, say Aspen police. According to the
note, which will be published in book form by Rolling Stone early next week,
Thompson’s suicide was prompted at least in part by the appearance of his phone
number on the Internet after Paris Hilton’s Sidekick had been hacked.

“That king-hell, soul-sucking, cellulite-brained sleazoid Paris Hilton has sucked
me into the maw of her eyeball-frying power trip,” wrote Thompson. “Now every
two-bit geek of an editor I ever kept waiting up past his bedtime on a deadline
is ringing me as if I’m the local Domino’s Pizza just to give me one of the
few remaining pieces of his or her mind.”

The invasion of his treasured privacy wasn’t the only thing that drove Thompson
to despair. He apparently made—and lost—a large bet with Rush Limbaugh on the
Super Bowl.

“I got suckered like a virgin on prom night with her first corsage,” wrote Thompson.
“No way I should have let that speech-slurring, OxyContin-popping rat bastard
hornswoggle me into taking the Eagles without the points. How was I to know that [Eagles quarterback] Donovan McNabb would swallow his colon when the game was on the line? I’ve seen snitches trapped in the corner of a rest stop on
a Hell’s Angels’ run with more composure than that guy.”

McNabb, Limbaugh, and Hilton were only a few of the public figures and celebrities
whom Thompson gunned down with bursts of Uzi-like prose. Even Rolling Stone
editor, Jann Wenner, who had purchased the rights to Thompson’s suicide note
for $10 million some time ago, was withered in the crossfire.

“I hope you’re happy, you pompous, vainglorious Nancy Boy twit,” wrote Thompson.
“I can tell your sorry, Mick Jagger-loving ass that I certainly will be glad not having to put up with your limp-wristed voice whining into my answering machine asking how I managed to spend $25 thousand in two days on room service.
I ought to send you a bill for all the freakin’ answering machines I shot on account of you.”

In related news, Miramax films, which purchased the movie rights to Thompson’s suicide note, is “in conversations” with Russell Crowe concerning the lead role.

[To you morons that believe everything someone emails to you: This is a spoof, it's a parody, a lampoon, a caricature, it's fictional!]

February 24, 2005

Bad Jim’s Mailbag February 24, 2005

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag — Bad Jim @ 12:30 pm

Dear Bad Jim,
‘When the going gets weird, the weird turn professional’

Shame on you for not acknowledging the passing of my life-muse, Dr. Hunter Stocton Thompson.

As he once said of his hulking, half-Samoan attorney and part-time partner in craziness, Oscar Acosta, “Too weird to live, too rare to die.”

I just read an article about HST on FoxNews.com. Quite interesting, and more
than I expected we’d ever know about the circumstances of his death. But I actually
laughed out loud toward the end of an otherwise very factual, solemn report,
when the following statement came out of the blue:

‘The family is looking into whether Thompson’s cremated remains can be blasted
out of a cannon, a wish the gun-loving writer often expressed,’ Brinkley said.
‘The optimal, best-case scenario is the ashes will be shot out of a cannon,’
he said.”

Awesome! Who else in the world can you imagine whose reported death would include
that line? Gonzo would be proud.

RIP, Gonzo.

Hugh K.
Houston

Hugh,
OK OK – I’m shamed. How could I not mention the passing of the King of Gonzo Journalism?

Here’s a couple Hunter S Thompson quotes that come to mind:
‘I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.’

And of course the best line ever to appear in ‘Rolling Stone’ magazine:
‘The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.’

Alas — least we not forget the passing of Gidget, aka Sandra Dee, this past week! Gawd I wanted to fu(k her when I was 16!

Bad Jim

Wacked and Flushed

Filed under: Gender Bashing, In the News — Bad Jim @ 11:32 am

Yikes! My gawd! This was sent to us by Craig the IT Geek in Houston:

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) - A 44-year-old Anchorage man had his penis surgically
reattached after it was cut off by an angry girlfriend and flushed down a toilet,
local police said on Sunday.

The events unfolded about midnight on Saturday, after the pair had been arguing
over an impending breakup, an Anchorage Police Department statement said. At
some point, the two decided to have sex and the man agreed to let the woman
tie his arms to a windowsill.

But the woman used a kitchen knife to amputate her partner’s penis and flushed
it down the toilet, police said. She untied the man, drove him to a local hospital
and was cleaning up the bloody scene when police arrived at the home, according
to the statement.

Summoned by the police, workers from the local water utility pulled the toilet up from the floor and were able to recover the severed penis, which was rushed to the hospital for the successful reattachment surgery on Sunday morning.

Police declined to identify the victim, but said his assailant was 35-year-old
Kim Tran. She was charged with assault, domestic violence and tampering with evidence, and jailed without bail.

February 23, 2005

Forehead tattoo

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 5:43 pm

ALLEGED POT THIEF BRANDED WITH FOREHEAD TATTOO

(California) - Four Northern California men have been arrested for
tattooing the word “thief” in two-inch-high letters on the forehead of a man
they suspected of stealing a pound of marijuana. Authorities in Mendocino County
reported the four face charges of kidnapping, false imprisonment, conspiracy
and mayhem. The victim is a 31-year-old man whose name hasn’t been released.
Investigators said the victim was lured to the home of one of those arrested,
then duct-taped and tattooed.

Guns vs Women

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:24 am

MBlack of Southside Place, Texas, USA is responsible for these. There are actually some very funny ones buried in this list. Bad Jim’s favorite is the 8th one
from the bottom.

You can share a gun with your friends…
Guns don’t care if they wake the kids.
A weapon doesn’t have a mother.
A weapon doesn’t run off with your credit cards.
A weapon doesn’t gain 5-7 pounds a year.
A weapon doesn’t need a lawyer or want alimony.
A weapon doesn’t need “closet space”.
A weapon doesn’t complain about how you drive.
Big, Fat, Strong weapons are fun to play with.
A weapon doesn’t complain when you take it somewhere.
A weapon won’t ask to borrow your car (or bring it back dented).
A weapon never leaves its shells draped over the shower curtain rod.
Everyone can have a pretty gun.
And it don’t even mind if you talk about it when it’s all over.
If you take a gun out just to look at it, but then decide to fire it, the gunwon’t accuse you of Date Rape.
If you take a gun home at night, it still looks the same in the morning.
Guns don’t care how many other guns you’ve played with.
Guns don’t care if you look at other guns, or buy gun magazines.
If your gun is misaligned you don’t have to talk politics to correct it.
You can have a black gun and still show it to your parents.
you don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your gun.
Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old gun when you dump it.
You can use a gun as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
Your gun never wants a night out alone with the other guns.
Your weapon doesn’t care how Fat or lazy you get.
Your weapon will NEVER tell you to turn off the “fists of fury” theatre on Saturday afternoon.

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