Badjim.com

January 31, 2005

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover

Filed under: Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 5:52 pm

Wow! Beto hasn’t sent Bad Jim a joke in years! GOTTA POST THIS ONE RIGHT AWAY!

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single
red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees
a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note
on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping–Love
you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks,
“Son…what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door.”

“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone lady, I’m married!”

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time………Priceless.

January 30, 2005

Vice President Dick Cheney raised eyebrows

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 5:53 pm

From Uncle Randy in Chi-town:

Cheney’s Auschwitz outfit raises eyebrows
Friday, January 28, 2005 Posted: 2:21 PM EST (1921 GMT)

WASHINGTON (Reuters) — Vice President Dick Cheney raised eyebrows on Friday
for wearing an olive-drab parka, hiking boots and knit ski cap to represent
the United States at a solemn ceremony remembering the liberation of Auschwitz.

Other leaders at the event in Poland on Thursday marking the 60th anniversary
of the death camp’s liberation, such as French President Jacques Chirac and
Russian President Vladimir Putin, wore dark, formal overcoats and dress shoes
or boots.

“The vice president, however, was dressed in the kind of attire one typically
wears to operate a snow blower,” Robin Givhan, The Washington Post’s fashion
writer, wrote in the newspaper’s Friday editions.

Between the somber, dark-coated leaders at the outdoor ceremony sat Cheney,
resplendent in a green parka embroidered with his name and featuring a fur-trimmed
hood, the laced brown boots and a knit ski cap reading “Staff 2001.”

“And, indeed, the vice president looked like an awkward boy amid the well-dressed adults,” Givhan wrote.

Britain’s Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph newspapers also both noted that Cheney had opted for casual attire.

The Post’s Givhan said Cheney might have been hoping to avoid the cold weather in Oswiecim, but noted he had worn a dark overcoat and no hat at all at another recent winter occasion — his own swearing-in ceremony on Inauguration Day on Jan. 20 in snow-dusted Washington.

January 27, 2005

John Crapper Day

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 7:19 am

Today is January 27th. Also known as Thomas Crapper Day. There are many misconceptions about Mr. Crapper — hope this will clear them up:

Thomas Crapper: Myth & Reality

The debate over who Thomas Crapper was - or even if there was a Thomas Crapper at all - continues. His contributions to the plumbing industry are even more suspect. But with this article we intend to replace myth with fact, for we have found a cadre of Thomas Crapper scholars who have made it their life’s work to prove that Crapper is more than just a slang term brought home by the World War I doughboys.

For this article we interviewed Dr. Andy Gibbons, historian of the International Thomas Crapper Society, and Ken Grabowski, a researcher and author who is writing a book on Crapper’s life.

Myth: Thomas Crapper as a person never existed.

Fact: Though we do not know his actual date of birth, we can now say the man
Thomas Crapper probably was born in September 1836, since he was baptized the
28th of that month. Crapper did have a successful career in the plumbing industry
in England from 1861 to 1904.

The date of Crapper’s death has also been a source of confusion for many years.
For example, Chase’s Annual Events, the authoritative book for listing special
days and dates, has listed January 17 as Thomas Crapper Day and January 17,
1910 as the date of his death.

After all his research, Gibbons was certain that Chase’s was 10 days off. The
actual date of Thomas Crapper’s death was January 27, 1910. The error probably
resulted from an honest typo in “Flushed With Pride,” by Wallace Reyburn, says
Gibbons, “but I waged a 10-year battle with Chase’s to get them to change the
date.” He finally won his battle this year after supplying them with a photo
of Thomas Crapper’s tombstone, notes from a living descendent, and a copy of
the man’s official death certificate.

Myth: Thomas Crapper invented the toilet.

Fact: No one in the know about Thomas Crapper would ever make this statement.
In his research, Grabowski has created a detailed history of Crapper’s business
life. The man holds nine patents, four for improvements to drains, three for
water closets, one for manhole covers and the last for pipe joints. Every patent
application for plumbing related products filed by Crapper made it through the
process, and actual patents were granted.

The most famous product attributed to Thomas Crapper wasn’t invented by him
at all. The “Silent Valveless Water Waste Preventer” (No. 814) was a symphonic
discharge system that allowed a toilet to flush effectively when the cistern
was only half full. British Patent 4990 for 1898 was issued to a Mr. Albert
Giblin for this product.

There are a couple of theories on how Thomas Crapper came to be associated with
this device. First, is that Giblin worked for Crapper as an employee and authorized
his use of the product. The second, and more likely scenario, says Grabowski,
is that Crapper bought the patent rights from Giblin and marketed the device himself.

Myth: Thomas Crapper never was a plumber.

Fact. Oh yes he was. He operated two of the three Crapper plumbing shops in
his lifetime, but left the business three years before the final and most famous
facility on Kings Road in London. When Crapper retired from active business
in 1904, he sold his shop to two partners who, with help from others, operated
the company under the Crapper name until its closing in 1966.

Several of London’s current plumbing companies trace their trade roots to Thomas
Crapper. One, Mr. Geoffrey Pidgeon of Original Bathrooms (Richmond upon Thames,
Surrey, Great Britain), continues the trade of his great uncle and grandfather,
both of whom apprenticed under Thomas Crapper.
Thomas Crapper did serve as the royal sanitary engineer for many members England’s
royalty, but contrary to popular myth, he was never knighted, and thus isn’t
entitled to use the term “Sir” before his name.

Myth: The word “crap” is derived from Thomas Crapper’s name.

Fact. The origin of crap is still being debated. Possible sources include the
Dutch Krappe; Low German krape meaning a vile and inedible fish; Middle English
crappy, and Thomas Crapper. Where crap is derived from Crapper, it is by a process
know as, pardon the pun, a back formation.
The World War I doughboys passing through England brought together Crapper’s
name and the toilet. They saw the words T. Crapper-Chelsea printed on the tanks
and coined the slang “crapper” meaning toilet.

The legend of Thomas Crapper takes its flavor from the real man’s life. While
Crapper may not be the inventor of the product he is most often associated with,
his contribution to England’s plumbing history is significant. And the man’s
legend, well, it lives on despite all proof to contrary

from : Plumbing and Mechanical, June 1993

Vietnam Vet applies for a job

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 6:10 am

Coonass Kim in New Iberia sends us this golden oldie:

A man goes to the U.S. Park Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes,” he says. “I was in Viet Nam for three years”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?

“Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

“O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that”

January 25, 2005

Very Happy

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:22 am

Bad Jim is back in town, and yes, he did get Doug a shot glass from the Hard
Rock in Beijing.

From Uncle Randy i Chicago:

George W, Condeleeza Rice and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Condeleeza, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Condeleeza shrugs her shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw
ten $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Cheney says, “Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, “Such bigshots back there . . . HELL, I could throw all of them out the window and make 57.3 million people very happy.”

Boudreaux vs Fingers

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 7:56 am

From Coonass Kim in New Iberia, Louisiana:

Boudreaux was working at the fish plant in Larose when he accidentally cut off
all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Lockport. The doctor looked at Boudreaux and
said “Let’s have da fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”

Boudreaux say, “I don’t got da fingers.”

“What do you mean, you don’t got da fingers? It’s 2005. We got microsurgery
and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made
you like new. Why didn’t you bring da fingers?”

Boudreaux says, “HOW DA HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO PICK DEM UP!!!!”

January 23, 2005

Women flashed breasts at hockey fans

Filed under: In the News — Bad Jim @ 7:46 am

Sunday in Beijing.
From Injun Joe in Arizona:

Prof to study why women flashed breasts at hockey fans

Canadian Press
Jan. 20, 2005 05:51 PM

CALGARY - A study into why women flashed crowds of Calgary Flames fans during last year’s NHL playoffs should shed light on current Canadian attitudes about female nudity, says a Calgary professor.

“There are gender role issues here,” said Mary Valentich, of the University
of Calgary’s Faculty of Social Work.

“These women are doing something unconventional and yet they’re using the traditional
sexual route to express whatever they’re expressing.”

She said Ontario student Gwen Jacobs started the ball rolling in 1991 when she
was convicted of indecency for walking bare-breasted down a street in Guelph,
Ont. She was protesting the inequality of a law that allowed men to take their
shirts off in public and not women.

Five years later the Ontario Appeal Court reversed her conviction.

“It took Gwen Jacobs in Ontario to protest by taking off her shirt on a hot
summer day and she had five years of legal troubles,” said Valentich.

At a sex research forum last fall, Valentich heard a report on Canadian attitudes
towards female toplessness that suggested that while most Canadians were comfortable
with women baring their breasts at the beach, they were ill at ease when it
was done on the street.

Further proof that Canadians are still favouring a more Victorian attitude about
female toplessness came from a handful of phone calls Valentich received from the Calgary public.

“Certainly I’ve received my share of nasty phone calls already about even wanting
to ask women what their experience was like,” chuckled Valentich.

“There are clearly prohibitions in Canadian society about even talking about
matters that are sexual. Think about women that are breastfeeding (in public)
- there are still people who are invariably upset and are uncomfortable about
this,” she said.

Valentich is seeking women who flashed crowds of fans last spring along Calgary’s
famous Red Mile - the site of huge parties and celebrations as the Calgary Flames
marched into the Stanley Cup final.

When Valentich was questioned by reporters about the behaviour of the women,
she realized she didn’t have any answers.

“I finally thought this is unfair to the women. I need to be able to have better
data to respond more accurately,” Valentich said.

The research will be released at the World Congress of Sexology being held in Montreal in July.

There are several possible scenarios as to why these women were lifting their
tops including peer pressure, said Valentich who spent a bit of time on the
Red Mile herself last year.

“Some women didn’t do it so clearly there are still lines that were drawn. Some
women chose to cross over the boundary - others didn’t. What was the difference?”,
she said.

There is also the question of whether there were any short or long term consequences
from the act and whether the booze and party atmosphere played a role.

“People mention drinking almost invariably, but I would say there’s a lot of
drinking going on in a lot of circles and people don’t always engage in this
kind of behaviour,” said Valentich.

The professor declined to say how many women have contacted her to take part
in the anonymous study so far, but she needs between 10 and 15 participants.

Valentich said women have flashed their breasts at folk festivals and other
musical events in the past, but it is not an activity usually associated with
hockey.

“We need to hear from women what was happening to them in that particular setting,” she said.

Next Page »