November 29, 2004

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Opening Of The Clinton Library

Filed under: Bad Lists, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 2:18 pm

Compliments of Injun Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ:

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Opening Of The Clinton Library
(From David Letterman)

10. “I’m sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over.”

9. “A library in Arkansas–well, now I’ve seen everything.”

8. “The hours are 9 to ???”

7. “This is the first presidential library I’ve seen with hourly rates.”

6. “He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover.”

5. “Don’t forget to try the snack bar’s impeachment cobbler.”

4. “That concludes our ceremony–you’re all invited to stay for ham hocks and

3. “Damn, Bubba has a huge desk.”

2. “It’s the only presidential library with a ladies’ night.”

1. “Security to the front–Kerry is here sobbing again.”

November 28, 2004


Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 6:19 am

Bad Jim’s hasn’t seen any new Xmas humor so here’s one from the classics file
for you Trekies:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm’ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, “Deck One!”

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

“It’s Riker! It’s Data! It’s Worf and Jean-Luc!
It’s Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!”

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, “What the hell is this Q?!”

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
“That’s enough!” cried the captain, “You’ll stop this at once!”
And Riker said, “Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!”

“I’m deeply offended, Jean-Luc,” replied Q.
“I just wanted to spend Christmas with you.”
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.

“I’ve brought gifts,” he said, “just to show I’m sincere.
There’s something delightful for everyone here.”
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

“For Counselor Troi, there’s no need to explain,
Here’s Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I’ve got mints as his breath’s not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there’s sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way.”

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!”

November 25, 2004

Bad Jim’s Mailbag 25 November 2004

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 2:22 pm

Dear Bad Jim,
I hope you are having a Happy Thanksgiving. This year we decided to do something a bit different and fry our turkey whole in the Cajun tradition. I am in a newsgroup on the Internet that just could not say enough about how great they taste fried. I even got a recipe from one of the members. It went something like this:

1 turkey plucked and gutted–leave feet for holding turkey
5 gal bucket peanut oil
1 extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees

That didn’t sound too complicated, and even though I’ve had several kitchen
disasters in the past, I thought this would be a festive way to celebrate
Thanksgiving. Besides, we could do the deed outside on our wooden deck to avoid making a big mess in the kitchen. What could go wrong?

I couldn’t find a turkey with feet at the grocery store. The butcher thought
I was crazy and suggested I try one of the nice frozen ones that was on sale.
I figured a meat man should know, so I got one. Have you ever tried to thaw
out a frozen turkey? It’s a weeklong job. I figured the hot grease would do
the trick anyhow, so why worry. Have you priced peanut oil lately? I decided
some of the other stuff would work just as good. After all, cooking oil is
cooking oil. I managed to get the oil in the pot just fine. Heating it was
a bit tricky as it kept smoking and bubbling. But since we were outside, I
thought the smoke wouldn’t hurt anything.

Now this is the part you won’t believe! I threw that sucker in the pot
and when the thing thawed out, the oil boiled over on the wooden deck and caught the deck on fire! We got the garden hose to put it out. Who would know not to put water on a grease fire?

It didn’t really matter anyhow. In all the excitement I forgot to watch
the cooking thermometer and the grease must have become too hot. I was inside the house looking for the fire extinguisher when I heard the explosion. Have you ever seen a mushroom cloud? It was incredible! After the fire department
left, we decided to eat dinner out next year.

Not only was our Thanksgiving dinner ruined, but the deck burned down and
took half the garage with it. The dog will be just fine when his fur grows back.
We’ve always wanted a Mexican Hairless dog anyhow.

The fire department told us they make a lot of house calls about this time
of the year from people frying turkeys who don’t know what they are doing.
Like, is it my fault that the grease was cheap and the stupid turkey wouldn’t
thaw out? They need to put consumer-warning labels on turkeys!

Speaking of the turkey, we are still looking for it. I think it may have
blown to bits as we’ve looked all over the neighborhood. If you see a turkey
shaped cloud of ash circling the earth, that’s probably it.

By the way, you may see us on the evening news on TV. A lot of people thought it was a terrorist attack. I only hope we have not been reported to the FBI.

Anyhow, I just want to let you know that we are all fine. I don’t think
the house will be fixed for a while since there is a lot of smoke damage.
We are moving to a motel. Do you think we could come to your new house in Pasadena for Christmas this year? You were not planning on frying a turkey, were you?
Billy Tucker
Deer Park, Texas

Dear Billy,
Sounds like you’ve been frying something besides Turkey. Can you say “airplane glue?” How does it feel to be dumber than a back swamp Coonass?
Bad Jim
PS: I just decided to be out of town for Xmas.

November 24, 2004

Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving

Filed under: Bad Lists, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:37 am

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you
they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date.
You were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful
I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the
blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new
Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad’s
not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he
comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known
to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

November 23, 2004

Turkey Farmer

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:40 am

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.
“Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

“I don’t know” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!”

November 22, 2004

Thieves offered beer to return baby Jesus

Filed under: Bad Jim's Pub, In the News, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 12:20 pm

Associated Press
Nov. 18, 2004 08:40 AM

ADELAIDE, Australia - Six cases of beer for a stolen baby Jesus. That’s the
deal an Australian brewing company is offering.

Someone swiped the infant Christ figure from a nativity scene this week. Now,
the South Australian Brewing Company in Adelaide is offering a reward in brewskis for the return of the baby Jesus.

The nativity display is an annual tradition at the brewery. Officials say security
footage shows a man climbing a fence and lifting the baby Jesus from his manger.

Happy anniversary

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 12:16 pm

From Mom
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids,
all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their
parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

“Happy anniversary mom and dad,” gushed son number one…”Sorry I’m running late…had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present”

Not to worry,” said the dad. “The important thing is that we’re all together

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and mom still look great Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present…sorry.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father, glad you were able to be here.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello you both, happy anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing… so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”

Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us
are together today.”

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and
said, “Listen you three, there’s something your mother and I wanted to
tell you for a long time. Well… your mother and I came to this
country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of

you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other
but…..never got around to getting married.”

The three kids gasped and said, “You mean we’re BAST@RDS ?”

Yep,” said the dad…..”and cheap ones too….”

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