November 8, 2014

For those over 60

Filed under: Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 3:33 am

Compliments of David Dewey

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift
a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

August 5, 2014

Retirement home

Filed under: Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 8:08 pm

Oldie but goody from Injun Joe

At the retirement home, a passerby notices six old ladies laying out nude on the front yard. He asks the home manager why they are laying out. The manager explains that these women are all old prostitutes and today they are having a yard sale.

July 31, 2014

The Will

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 8:08 pm

From Jim P. in The Woodlands, Texas:

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, ‘Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.’

My daughter ‘Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.’

My son, ‘Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.’

‘Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.’

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, ‘Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.’

Sarah replies, ‘Property ? …. the a55hole had a paper route!’

July 26, 2013

2 medical students

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 10:44 am

From Uncle Randy in Chicago:
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

“You thought - but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

“You thought - but you are wrong.”

“Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man replied, “Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!”

April 17, 2013

Senior pick-up line

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 4:18 pm

From Uncle Randy in Chicago:
A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive aftershave, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well
looked after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?”

June 15, 2012

Walmart humor

Filed under: Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 6:36 am

Oldie from Mom in Indiana:
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”

March 30, 2012

Tender Tony

Filed under: Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 2:50 pm

RIP: Earl Scruggs, 1924-2012

An oldie from Head Bozo over at DeFalco’s in Houston:
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum….
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”
He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

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