February 10, 2016

Ash Wedensday

Filed under: Bad Religon, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 11:32 pm

I unwittingly had my forehead anointed with blessed ashes for Ash Wednesday. Must have fallen asleep on my bong again Fat Tuesday night.

September 12, 2014

2 nuns

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 11:36 am

Oldie but goody from Pope Barefoot Bob in Houston:
Two nuns were bicycling down an old dirt road on the countryside.
One nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
The other replies, “It’s the cobblestones.”

September 11, 2014

New Texas Priest

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 11:28 am

Oldie but goody from MBlack

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, “Now, don*t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No shit, what happened next?’ “

April 9, 2014

The confessional

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 10:05 am

From Injun Joe in Arizona:
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in.
I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
He replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side!!”

December 8, 2013

Sunday’s Latin lesson:

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 4:28 pm

RIP: Chick “The Stoop Down Man” Willis, 1934-2013

From the Church of St Adrian:
Sunday’s Latin lesson:

The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est

March 23, 2013

Biblical interprertation

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 10:32 pm

From Jim P. in The Woodlands, Texas.

The State of Washington approved gay marriage and legalized marijuana in the recent election.

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.”

We were just interpreting it wrong.

March 14, 2013

Just burning documents

Filed under: Bad Religon — Bad Jim @ 8:48 am

VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report) - A puff of white smoke over Vatican City today raised hopes among the faithful who jammed St. Peter’s Square until an official spokesman explained that the Vatican was “just burning some documents.”

“Wednesday is the day we traditionally burn documents and other legal evidence, and we totally forgot about the white smoke thing,” the Vatican spokesman said. “We apologize for any misunderstanding this might have caused.”

After cheers went up from the thousands gathered outside the Sistine Chapel, the spokesman said, “We were like, ‘Uh-oh.’ We stopped shovelling papers into the blast furnace immediately.”

“We still have thousands of documents to destroy this week, but we don’t want a replay of what happened today,” he said. “One of the cardinals is going to run out to Staples and get a shredder.”

As the conclave drags on to a third day with still no Pope, the spokesman acknowledged that the cardinals were having a harder time agreeing on a candidate than at the last conclave, in 2005: “This time around, we just don’t have a slam dunk with Hitler Youth experience.”

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