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March 17, 2015

Irish Miracle

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:54 am

Happy St Patrick’s Day!

Happy Birthday Uncle Randy!

IRISH MIRACLE

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy

“Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It’s a miracle. wait, it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he*ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc.”

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.

There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side”

December 20, 2014

Top 10 things Native Americans should say to White folks

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 12:46 am

From Windflower in Chicago:

Top 10 things Native Americans should say to White folks
1. How much white are you?

2. I’m part white myself, you know.

3. I learned all your people’s ways in the Boy Scouts.

4. My great-great grandmother was a full-blooded White American princess.

5. Funny, you don’t look white.

6. I’m not racist, my best friend is White.

7. Do you live in a covered wagon?

8. What’s the meaning behind the square dance?

9. Can I touch your facial hair?

10. Hey, can I take your picture?

November 9, 2014

Fluctuations

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 11:14 pm

Ave in Montana sends us this oldie but goody:

Today’s word is ‘Fluctuations’ (I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, ‘Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

July 19, 2014

Jewish divorce

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:06 pm

RIP Johnny Winter 1944-2014

From Rigger Robert in Alaska:

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is completed, the woman thanks the judge and says, “Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?”

She replies, “Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!”

May 12, 2014

Home from a fishing trip

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 8:50 am

Compliments of Mohammed in Cairo:
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened.
“I sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found… Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I am leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law.
“There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile… “Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation… she never got your email!”

March 17, 2014

Happy St Paddy’s Day

Filed under: Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 5:40 am

And Bad Jim is back in the USA to celebrate!
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by.
‘Help!’ Barty shouted, ‘Oi’m sinkin’!’
‘Don’t worry,’ assured Mick. ‘Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’there.’
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, ‘Shure, an’ Oi can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi’ll have to get some help.’
As Mick was leaving, Barty called ‘Mick! Mick! D’ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups’

January 9, 2014

Irving gets engaged

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 11:56 pm

From MBlack in Texas:
The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop. Ruth says to Golda, “Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes.”

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, “So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your Irving catch it?”

Ruth answers, “God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we’ve all worried about him. It’s past time he’s settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?”

“Well,” Golda says, “I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I’ll just run home right now and look it up and call you.”

Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, “Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles.”

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