From MBlack in Thompsons, Texas:
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians. ” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians! ” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
A guest from Quebec was staying in a hotel in Edmonton.
She phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!”
Blame Terry ‘Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi for this:
British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the Gulf cleanup. Thibodeaux, Boudreaux, and Fontenot were told to clean as many Brown Pelicans as they could…. So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Blame Mohamed in Cairo for this one:
A Chinese man sues for divorce.
Judge: ” What’s the grounds for divorce?”
Husband: “Me no come, she no come, baby come, how come?”
Happy Saint Paddy’s Day!
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn Harrigan grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “Harrigan, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.
“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.”
Harrigan burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”
“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I*ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”
Harrigan was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”
Compliments of Bill ‘Let’s stop at the Exxon station after work for a couple of tall boys of Schlitz malt liquor’ Mahoney:
*Personal ads* in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork Area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man
who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been
known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o*clock in the morning.
*****************************************************
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced B!tches.
*****************************************************
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
*****************************************************
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old b6stard, living in a damp cottage in the arse
end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a lovely
chest.
*****************************************************
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
*****************************************************
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old, double-jointed
supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
From Brenda in Belgium:
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : “Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.”
The Kerry farmer says: “Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.”
Blame Southside Seth in Chicago:
Doctor Fagan was puzzled “I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink.”"
“Don’t worry about it Fagan, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
Pope Barefoot Bob’s “Annual” Irish joke:
Whaddye get whan ye cross a leprechaun ‘n’ a prostitute?
A shart lil focker, ’bout this tall…