Badjim.com

Now that Bad Jim is semi-retired (translation: unemployed) he often spends his mornings in the Whataburger near his house drinking coffee, reading want ads and doing crossword puzzles. The best part of the morning is eavesdropping on the white tips (translation: white shoes and white hair) who meet there every morning for coffee and breakfast. Sound bites actually heard the last few weeks:

Ralph (looking up from his “Houston Chronicle”): Oh no. Ole Charlie Wilson died!
Thelma: Who the hell is that? Some guy you worked with at Lubrizol?
Ralph: Ya know? They made a movie about him. He was that congress guy that started the war in Afghanistan.

Bingo: That Sara Palin, she ran all them Liberals out of office in Alaska. Fired’um all.
Thelma: Like who? Name one Democrat that was ever elected in Alaska. They’re all rednecks like us.
Bingo: It’s true. My niece gotta email about it.
Ralph: I think they call’um bluenecks, Them Alaska Yankees. Ha. Uuh-ah uh-ah ha.

Ralph: If I had a business on the beach in Hawaii, and it was wiped out by that there su-lami wave, I’d sue the sh!t outta those Chill-leee ba5tards.
Bingo: Me too!

Thelma: I liked this Whataburger much better when ya could smoke here! God damn liberals.
Bingo: Sara Plain will change all that when she gets elected.

Thelma: What time does Gene’s Bar open?
Ralph: Can’t smoke there any more either sweetie. ‘Smoke-free’ everywhere in Pasadena these days.
Thelma: Smoke-free? You can bet your boots that some god damn, Yankee fag came up with that.

Ferron: Did you know the goalie on the Canada ice hockey squad was a Mexican?
Thelma: Who told you that? Mexicans can’t ice skate.
Ferron: It’s true. My wife gotta email about it from her brother. They’re gonna take their medals away.
Bingo: It’s about time.

Today is 9/9/09. It’s apparently a very good day to be married in China. According to local superstition, the number 9 represents longevity.

Actual joke told to Bad Jim in Jacky’s Pub last night:

Zhu: Meester Jeeem. I have good joke story.
Bad Jim: OK – let’s hear it.
Zhu: If you breathed on girl, and her eyes covered with mist, then she is cool one!
Zhu: ha HA ha-ha-ha Very funny Meester Jeeem?
Bad Jim: Wow, that’s a real knee slapper Zhu.
Zhu: huh?
Bad Jim: Let me but you a Tsingtao.

Actual dialog heard on an elevator in Beijing as reported by Windflower and her accomplice, Sally, both school teachers from Tanggu.

Setting: Holiday Inn in Beijing.
Elevator suddenly stops between floors. After a bit, Windflower pushes the emergency call button.

Squawk box: Wei. Ni hao. Keyi bang ni ma?
Windflower: We are stuck on the elevator.
Squawk box: You won noodles?
Windflower (Sally giggling in the background): No, we are stuck on the elevator. We don’t need noodles. Please send someone.
Squawk box: You call woom survice fo noodles. What you woom numa?
(Both laughing hysterically at this point)
Windflower: No noodles! We are trapped on the elevator. The lift!
Silence. Click
Windflower: Try your cell phone.
Sally: Yes, it works.
Dialing
Front desk: Holiday Inn
Sally: Yes, we are stuck on the elevator. Please send help.
Front desk: Noodles?

No joy on Chicago’s Northside. Cubbies go 3 and out in the playoffs to, off all teams, the Dodgers that barely finished over 500. This is even embarrassing for a White Sox fan like Bad Jim!

Actual conversation heard in a barbershop in Tanggu, China a couple weeks ago.

A little explanation first: Bad Jim is getting a haircut. None of the employees can speak English. While trying to communicate with the barber a lady waiting for her friend to get a haircut offers to translate. Her English was quite good until . . .

Translator: Have a look and tell her if the haircut is good.
(Bad Jim puts on his glasses)
Bad Jim: Yes, looks great. Hen hao.
Translator: Now please remove your glasses so she can blow you.

Wow, Bad Jim is thinking. And the haircut was only 10 yuan. (buck forty) Not sure what the glasses have to do with it?

An actual SMS conversation that took place between Tanggu, China and Houston, Texas after Hurricane Ike (dedicated to u “Strange Brew” fans):
Bad Jim (Blackberry)
Sep 17, 2008 12:02 PM
Do you have power yet?

Wackozacko (Mobile)
Sep 17, 2008 12:10 PM
The power is still out, but since all the bowling alleys have been wrecked, I spend most of my time looking for beer.

Bad Jim (Blackberry)
Sep 17, 2008 12:15 PM
I am your father, Zack. Give in to the dark side of the force, you knob.

Liu: Meeester Jeeeem, I hov funny joke foor you.
Bad Jim: OK – let’s hear it.
Liu: A cheesah was peeeture-taker.
Bad Jim: Cheese-ah?
Liu: Cheesah, lika ham an cheesah.
Bad Jim: OK — I see. A cheese was taking a picture?
Liu: Yes-ah Meester Jeeem. Ha haha Cheesah peeeture-taker.
Bad Jim: and . . .
Liu: The Cheesah was taking peeeture of peoples. Ha haha ha He says : ‘Say Cheesah!’ hahha
Bad Jim: (Chuckle)
Liu: Then the peoples start eating him.
Liu: Hahahaha Then he tells peoples I say ‘say cheesah’ not ‘eat cheesah’ hah haha. Very funny. Ha haha
Bad Jim: You’re killin’ me Liu! You should be on CCTV!
Liu: ha hahaha! I know you lika this one.

Jim,
Stanley Cup Meal Actually Observed in Calgary Tonight
28 ounce Rare Prime Rib 3 inches thick, 8 inches around with half inch of fat on the edge
Two cups Au Jus
Plate of French Fries
Two cups Ketchup
Two cups cold slaw
Three Buttered Rolls
Four Canadian Lagers
Eighteen minutes start to finish
Rockin Dave

Dear Dave,
What?
No donuts from Tim’s? And what about the back bacon?
Shots of Canadian rye?
Why aren’t u at home in NYC watching the Rangers in person?
Take off you hoser!
Jim