Badjim.com

May 7, 2015

Diet

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 4:02 pm

Blame Pope Barefoot Bob in Houston:

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours, 23
minutes and 12 seconds!

November 16, 2014

How to cook a fcuking steak

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:51 pm

Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy.

You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a sh!t, just get a fcuking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck.

Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the sh!t on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fcuker will go. Take a sh!tload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfcuker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fcuk — it should scorch the sh!t out of your finger if you*re stupid enough to touch it — put the fcuking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don;t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FCUKING BUTTER, assh0le. This is steak, all you fcuking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that sh!t over and do the same fcuking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfcuking steak to be ready, you useless assbag.

When you’re done, sling that sh!t on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fcuking potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a fcuking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the sh!t out of you.

October 4, 2014

a delicate matter . . .

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 9:45 am

Compliments of Coonass Kim - where are you livin’ these days?

All ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

December 25, 2013

Christmas Latin Lesson

Filed under: Jim's Bad Holidays, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:01 am

Thank the Church of St Adrian for today’s Latin (more or less) lesson:
Does this Christmas tree make my ass look big?

Mos is Sarcalogos nemus planto meus tergum terminus vultus magnus?

November 21, 2013

Quote of the Day

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 2:32 pm

Drat! I forgot to go to the gym today … that’s 8 years in a row now - Bill Murray

August 30, 2013

Lost in translation

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 8:20 am

From MBlack of Thompsons, TX
To all you weary travelers, this should be a help to you when you go abroad.
This is a gem!
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English…
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

August 27, 2013

A Voice in the Darkness

Filed under: Clean, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 4:50 pm

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day when they fell into a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Redskins are Super Bowl contenders.”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God! At least Dopey’s survived!”

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