Badjim.com

From Terry in Corpus:
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me, son.” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a
few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!”

Could Reduce Job Stress, Labor Department Says

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible.

According to a new study commissioned by the U.S. Department of Labor, workers are less likely to suffer from stress and “go off” at the workplace if they know that leaving their job is just one inflatable slide away.

Starting on Monday, inflatable slides will be installed in such diverse workplaces as Home Depot, Starbucks, and the White House, said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis.

“If post offices had inflatable slides, think of the lives we could have saved,” she said.

From Uncle Sam in Houston:

“Always carry a camera with you - it makes it much easier to take pictures.” - Jay Maisel

Bad Jim bought a new coffee maker this week and a card with the following message was enclosed (I swear to gawd!)
Caution: Make sure to empty your coffee carafe before starting a new brew cycle. Failure to do so will lead to cold coffee and overflow of coffee from the carafe.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” Jackie Mason

(Compliments of MBlack in Houston)

Oldie from Coonass Kim in Ingleside, TX

How to clean a toilet…
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a *power-wash and rinse*.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog

Compliments of Hugh Jass in Houston

On May 20, China’s official Xinhua News Agency reported that 22 people had been convicted and sentenced to jail for taking part in “licentious activities,” which it appears are criminal offenses in that happy land. At least if the whole group takes part in said activities at the same time.

Prosecutors said that Ma Yaohai, a computer-science professor at the Nanjing University of Technology, had organized and participated in “group sex activities” (those activities probably being sex) with 21 other people on as many as 18 occasions over three years. Ma admitted the licentiousness but argued that because all the defendants were voluntary adult participants, they had committed no crime. Nice try, Ma.

This free-thinking and probably CIA-influenced argument was no match for article 301 of China’s criminal law, which reportedly had not been used in 20 years but which worked just fine once prosecutors dragged it out and roughed it up a bit to make sure it would cooperate. “Ringleaders and persons who repeatedly take part in licentious activities,” the law reads, “shall be sentenced to fixed terms of imprisonment of no more than five years, criminal detention or public surveillance.” Ma, who I guess would be the “ringleader” here, got three and a half years, while 18 others got up to two and a half years each.

Rejecting Ma’s defense, the chief judge said that group licentiousness was indeed a crime because it “infringed upon public order.” Xinhua quoted an expert from a different university who definitely agreed. “Swingers clubs and sex parties are unethical,” said Yuan Jiuhong, described as *an expert on marriage and sex ethics* at Nanjing Southeast University. “Unethical behavior will harm the fabric of society, disrupt relationships and bring chaos to society.” Good point. Wherever you see chaos in society, chances are that somewhere nearby more than two people are having sex at once. Also, you know what disrupts relationships even more? Putting people in jail for having them.

Ma might not have helped his case by holding press conferences prior to trial. “What we did, we did for our own happiness,” he told reporters in April. “People chose to do it of their own free will and they knew they could stop at any time. We disturbed no one.” (Seems to me if you have 22 people involved in group licentiousness and you aren’t disturbing anybody, you need to try harder.) Ma also had a good simile or two ready to explain why “swinging” is okay.

“Marriage is like water,” he said. “You have to drink it. Swinging is like a cup of wine. You can drink it if you like. If you don’t like it, don*t drink it.” Well, more specifically it’s like a cup of wine that 21 other people have been drinking out of, but I guess the point is still valid.