Badjim.com

December 28, 2013

Little Jimmie’s First Day of School

Filed under: Back to School, Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 4:24 pm

On Little Jimmie’s first day at school his Mom is very worried. When she picks him up at end of the day, she anxiously asks him how his day went.

“Well, I was top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.”

“What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!”

When his father comes home, Jimmie’s mom tells his father, “I’m absolutely disgusted with Little Jimmie. He said he was top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!”

“That’s my boy,” thinks his Dad.

So he goes upstairs to talk to Jimmie. “Don’t worry about your Mom. She’s a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I’m so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I’ll get it for you this weekend!”

“Oh no, Dad, don’t. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit down for a while.”

July 19, 2010

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

Filed under: Back to School, Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 4:11 pm

An oldie but goody from Info Bob in Houston:

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: *I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,* she said proudly, *My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.*

*Very good,* said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: *I sold magazines,* she said, *I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.*

*Very good, Jenny,* said the teacher…

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. *$2,467,* he said.

*$2,467!* cried the teacher, *What in the world were you selling?*

*Toothbrushes,* said Little Johnny.

*Toothbrushes!* echoed the teacher, *How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?*

*I found the busiest corner in town,* said Little Johnny, *I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.*

They all said the same thing, *Hey, this tastes like dog shit!*

Then I would say,*It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?*

March 31, 2010

Little girl on a plane

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 6:47 am

Oldie but goody from Pope Barefoot Bob:
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the southern congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s
intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?’

March 29, 2010

Little Ralphy

Filed under: Back to School, Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 11:47 am

From Chriss in Dubai:

Ralphy shouts out to his teacher, “Miss! Got no fookin pencil and thems got no fookin pencils either!”
Teach shouts “Ralph! The correct terms: I HAVE NO PENCIL, HE HAS NO PENCIL, THEY HAVE NO PENCILS”
Ralphy - “Who’s got all the fookin pencils Miss?”

October 7, 2009

Dear Mom And Dad,

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 7:58 pm

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam*s mother and tell her he is okay. He can*t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn*t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn*t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn*t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn*t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that*s probably why he can*t get insurance. We think it*s a neat bus. He doesn*t care if we get it dirty, and if it*s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don*t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn*t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn*t let me because I can*t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn*t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn*t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I*m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Chris

August 19, 2009

Parents home?

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 8:01 pm

Mark your calendars. Chinese Valentine’s Day is coming soon! It’s on the 7th day of the 7th lunar month. That should give you something to do for the next 15 minutes or so.
According to Coonass Kim:
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It’s opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar
in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse
magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: “Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?”

Little boy: “What the fcuk do you think?”

August 18, 2009

Don’t even go there!

Filed under: Bad Little Jimmy — Bad Jim @ 7:14 pm

From the sick mind of Vincent, the Chinese-Canadian Wildman.

A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”

Next Page »