January 3, 2016

How It All Began

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 1:33 am

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date..

November 6, 2015

Not the best looking guy anymore . . .

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 5:25 pm

Pope Barefoot Bob claims:
I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.
Some would even say I’m a little frayed around the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. And all of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought …
“Wow, these Tasers are really worth the money!!!”

September 28, 2015

New Parrot

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 10:12 am

From MBlack in Texas:
Man walks into a pet store and wants to buy a parrot. The owner tells him that he has a parrot in the back,but the parrot used to work in a house of ill repute. The man decides to buy the parrot. The pet store owner covers the cage, brings the parrot out front to the man who takes the parrot home with him.

At home, the man takes the cover off of the cage.

Parrot looks at the man’s wife and says: “You must be my new madam.”

Parrot looks at the man*s daughters and says: “You must be the new working girls.”

Parrot looks at the man and says: “Hello, Bad Jim.”

September 23, 2015

Dave knows everyone

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 9:14 am

RIP Yogi Berra, 1925-2015
An oldie but goody from Info Bob in Houston:
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, I’ll know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood , knock on Tom Cruise’s door. Tom Cruise shouts “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Tom Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks knowing Tom Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup.” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.”

So off they fly to Rome . Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw…you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”

January 29, 2015

Bieber generation

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 10:25 am

Justin Bieber has said, “I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don’t understand me.”

By a curious coincidence, Kurt Cobain, contacted in a seance, said, “I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself.”

December 5, 2014

Lion Tamer

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 5:34 am

From Coonass Kim:
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies,
“No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

November 19, 2014

Handyman advice

Filed under: Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 4:44 am

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

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