Badjim.com

March 21, 2012

The polite way to call someone a bastard

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Bad Religon, Clean — Bad Jim @ 3:57 pm

From Mohamed in Cairo:
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation… And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

February 29, 2012

Golf club application

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Personal — Bad Jim @ 2:08 pm

For some reason several people were sent to a generic site when they tried to follow the link to Emily’s *Relay for Life* personal website. Though this seems to be identical to the link Bad Jim sent out before, this seems to work. Give it a try if you’re inclined to make a donation to a worthy cause. Let me know if there are further problems.
Thanks to Fred in Norway and Sagging Tray George in Montana for their generous donations.

http://
main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12PL?px=22906088&pg=personal&fr_id=41075

From Info Bob in Houston:
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf.
So he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
So he went to the club to inquire as to why:
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma’am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma*am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

September 12, 2011

Outdoorsman?

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Clean — Bad Jim @ 1:06 pm

From Whiner Glen in Georgetown. Texas
I told my friend … “This morning I waded across a raging river, escaped
from a bear in the woods, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch
of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and climbed up an enormous tree!”
My friend said, “You must be some outdoorsman!”
“Nope,” I replied, “Just a bad golfer.”

January 4, 2011

Tim and Janice

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course — Bad Jim @ 11:11 am

An oldie but goody from Rigger Robert:

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.”

“So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Janice took a deep breath and responded, “Tim, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“Oh wow! I see,” Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

September 26, 2010

Sensitive Man

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Gender Bashing — Bad Jim @ 8:47 am

From Whiner Glen in Georgetown, Texas, USA:

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

“Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!”

She looked at the men in the room, *And gentlemen, remember — you*re in this together — it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” answered the teacher.

“I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

May 21, 2010

Old golf joke

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course — Bad Jim @ 9:07 pm

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming “Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo”.

The Japanese clients looked confused and said “No, you got the right hole.”

March 8, 2010

3-iron or wedge?

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Clean — Bad Jim @ 1:38 pm

An oldie from Whiner Glen who now lives in Georgetown, TX. This place is known as ‘The retirement capitol of Texas’ Sounds like a rockin’ place Whiner! See ya at the Dairy Queen.

Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards.

His caddie said: “I’d say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir.”

“A 3-iron or a wedge?” asked Bolt. “What kind of stupid choice is that?”

“Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir,” said the caddie.

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