Badjim.com

November 25, 2014

Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving dinner

Filed under: Personal — Bad Jim @ 12:03 am

RIP: Mayor Marion “Bitch set me up” Barry, 1936-2014

Bad Jim pulled this one from the 2004 archives

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

May 8, 2013

Bad Jim’s Mailbag

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Personal — Bad Jim @ 8:43 am

Bad Jim pleased to announce Emily made her goal of $1700 for the American Cancer Society Relay for Life. She made it by 2 bux! Ha.
Some additional folks to thank for their generous contributions: Houston*s own Scott aka Bozo Head of Special Events, MBlack of Thompsons, TX, Wildman Ho in Washington; and Anonymous.

Dear Bad Jim,
I heard the news that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has recently had lap dance surgery. Would my insurance cover that? Would it pay for the drinks and tips?
Rockin* Dave
NYC

Dear Dave,
This is a tricky procedure because it must be performed drunk with “no touching”.
Drinks and tips are part of your co-pay.
Bad Jim

April 17, 2013

Too soon?

Filed under: Groaners, Personal — Bad Jim @ 9:37 am

A big thanks to Dr Pammy in Snotsdale, Arizona and to Go-Kart Al in Vancouver, BC for their generous contributions to Emily’s Relay for Life fundraiser.
Emily is 355 bux form her goal. There are over 100 folks on Bad Jim’s Jokelist. If each of you would donate a measly $4 she would surpass her goal! It’s easy. Click here:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=22906088&pg=personal&fr_id=52647

Dear Bad Jim,
The FBI believes the Boston attack was race related . . . Too soon?
Wackozacko
Houston

Dear Wacko,
It’s never too soon to limbo beneath Bad Jim*s low standards.
Bad Jim

April 13, 2013

Financial planning

Filed under: Gender Bashing, Personal — Bad Jim @ 1:45 pm

A big thank you to Jim P of the Woodlands, TX; Aggie Brandon in Australia; Da Mo Guai in Dubai; Gina Gardenia, Rich, Larry M and Webfooter of Sugar Land, TX; Roadwarrior Larry of Breckinridge, CO.; Rafgard from Austin, TX; Sandy Sparky Steve in Saudi; Eagle Eye Steve in Pearland, TX.
Also Skatehead Eileen, Wackozacko, MikeMWK and Thespian Ann of Houston
There is still time to get you name in lights on Bad Jim*s Jokelist! Contribute to the American Cancer Society via my step-daughter Emily*s Relay for Life Team. It*s good karma and you Gringos likely could use the tax deduction next April.
http://relay.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=22906088&pg=personal&fr_id=52647&s_src=boundlessfundraising&s_subsrc=bfemail

AND . . . a great oldie from Queen Eddaline in Stafford, TX:
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
*I may look like just an ordinary guy,* he said to her, *but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.*
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

March 8, 2012

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

Filed under: Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap, Personal — Bad Jim @ 8:25 am

A big thanks to the folks that have generously contributed to Emily’s Relay for Life walk: “The Taxman” in Houston; Go-Kart Al in Oklahoma, Tall Paul in Australia, Damogui in Dubai; Terri in Pasadnea, TX ; and Pussyhair Larry and Bony Ass in Houston.
Still time to contribute to a worthy cause:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12?px=22906088&pg=personal&fr_id=41075

RIP: Big Walter the Thunderbird, 1914-2012
“Pain in my heart”

Oldie but goody from Montana Ave:
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?”
“That’s easy; he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.”
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
“A female horth.”
So he shows him a prized filly…
“Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?”
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?”
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?”
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nice mouf, can I see her twat?”
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf*s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
“Perhapth I should rephrase that…..
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?”

March 1, 2012

eBay scam

Filed under: Generally Bad, Personal — Bad Jim @ 9:17 pm

Thank Dr Pammie in Snotsdale, AZ for this heads up!

eBay Scam.
Be careful what you purchase on eBay –
Spent 50 bux on a pen!s enlarger.
– Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said don’t use in the sunlight

February 29, 2012

Golf club application

Filed under: Bad Jim's Golf Course, Personal — Bad Jim @ 2:08 pm

For some reason several people were sent to a generic site when they tried to follow the link to Emily’s *Relay for Life* personal website. Though this seems to be identical to the link Bad Jim sent out before, this seems to work. Give it a try if you’re inclined to make a donation to a worthy cause. Let me know if there are further problems.
Thanks to Fred in Norway and Sagging Tray George in Montana for their generous donations.

http://
main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12PL?px=22906088&pg=personal&fr_id=41075

From Info Bob in Houston:
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf.
So he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
So he went to the club to inquire as to why:
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma’am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma*am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

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