Badjim.com

December 20, 2014

Top 10 things Native Americans should say to White folks

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 12:46 am

From Windflower in Chicago:

Top 10 things Native Americans should say to White folks
1. How much white are you?

2. I’m part white myself, you know.

3. I learned all your people’s ways in the Boy Scouts.

4. My great-great grandmother was a full-blooded White American princess.

5. Funny, you don’t look white.

6. I’m not racist, my best friend is White.

7. Do you live in a covered wagon?

8. What’s the meaning behind the square dance?

9. Can I touch your facial hair?

10. Hey, can I take your picture?

December 12, 2014

Dirty Christmas Pick-up lines

Filed under: Bad Lists, Jim's Bad Law — Bad Jim @ 10:55 am

Time to break out some old Christmas jokes.

Today Bad Jim is officially in single digits - 9 more wake-ups in The Republic of Georgia! I’m heading home Dec 21 - so all you Pagans should be happy!

Christmas Pick-up lines

Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.

Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want
for Christmas.

If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas,
can I come visit you between the holidays?

Shouldn’t you be on top of the tree, Angel?

You know I would love to show you the toys my elves make for adults.

How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?

Wanna meet Santa’s little helper?

What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?

Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!

Screw the nice list, I’ve got you on my - nice and naughty list!

That’s not a candy cane in my pocket. I’m just glad to see you!

My best toys run on batteries

Hey Cutie ever do it in a sleigh?

He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh

I know its not Christmas, but Santa’s lap is always ready.

Santa’s lap isn’t the only place wishes come true.

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Interested in seeing the ‘North Pole’? (Well, that’s what the Mrs.
calls it)

If you jingle my bells, I’ll promise you a white Christmas

December 20, 2013

Top 10 Most Rejected Children Book Titles

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean — Bad Jim @ 8:04 am

1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. 101 Games to Play in the Road

4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork

5. Your Nightmares are real

6. Monsters Killed Grandpa

7. All Guns Squirt Water

8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

9. If it’s Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

10. Dad’s New Wife Robert

December 17, 2013

Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 1:31 pm

10. Kid’s letter to North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard and I’ll put the hurt on you.”

2. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”

1. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”

July 6, 2012

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Filed under: Bad Lists — Bad Jim @ 5:45 am

From Roughrider Dale in Egypt:

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see
him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you
for weeks, months, maybe years

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make
it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do
today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
“Don’t worry about old age–it doesn’t last that long.”

February 13, 2012

Top 10 reasons why there are no Hip-Hop Stars that are NASCAR drivers:

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes — Bad Jim @ 4:19 pm

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won’t stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can-t work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillac Escalades approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out and run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY HIP-HOP STARS CAN’T BE IN NASCAR…

# 1 - They can’t wear their helmets sideways.

January 3, 2012

Signs Your New Year’s Party Went Bad

Filed under: Bad Lists, Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 7:24 am

1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed

2. The “Party Hats” looked suspiciously like stolen traffic cones

3. There’s a “Happy 2011″ sticker on the packet of shrimp you’ve been eating all night

4. It’s January 6th

5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm

6. The guests decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000

7. At midnight everyone gathered around to watch your Uncle Earl’s pants drop

8. You heard a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom

9. The “Champagne” tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer

10. You think you’ll skip the party next year.

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