February 7, 2015

World’s safest slingshot

Filed under: Badly Engineered, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 12:34 pm

A Bad Jim’s “Dis Guy is gettin’ Brains fer Chrissmiss” Award winner!

You have to admire this engineering.
Brilliant German Engineering. 2-minute video
World’s safest slingshot. (Patent pending)

August 14, 2013

Bad Jim’s Mailbag - Pipe

Filed under: Bad Jim's Mailbag, Badly Engineered, Clean — Bad Jim @ 9:50 am

Good Day Jim!!
Well, I was trolling the web today to see if I could find some “official” definition of “diameter-inch” for pipe welding. I never did find anything I’d care to quote in a Chevron procedure I am working on… I guess I’ll just have to try to make up something!!!
But I did find the following on one Blog, and it was so entertaining, I just had to pass it on!!
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole. Hole to be large enough to allow water or other stuff to come out the open end.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipes must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

February 16, 2010

Consumer Electronics Show

Filed under: Badly Engineered, Other Bad Jokes or Useless Crap — Bad Jim @ 3:18 pm

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Highlights of the Consumer Electronics Show
The 2010 Consumer Electronics Show took place recently in Las Vegas. Here are some of the must-have gadgets rolled out by the big manufacturers:

Panasonic - Alarm Fax 2000: Never be late again with the help of this machine, which sends you a fax with a rousing wake-up message of your choosing

Texas Instruments - TI-101 Graphing Bassoon: This powerful, user-friendly calculator-meets-sonorous-woodwind is perfect for the multitasking high school student

Amazon - Kindle LE: For users nostalgic for paper, this e-book reader signals a logging crew to cut down 10 trees for every book purchased with the device

iTunes - “Taylor Swift Breathes”: Using nanotechnology, this new MP3 enables you to feel Taylor Swift’s hot breath on your neck as she sings

Radioshack - Big Sack of Adapters: The right one is probably in there somewhere

Carl’s Jr. - Stent Burger: This new menu item contains a small ’smart stent’ that implants itself in the heart and opens blocked arteries following consumption of the burger

Bose - Noise-Postponing Headphones: Using Bose’s patented SoundDelay technology, these headphones store ambient distractions for up to six hours before unleashing them all at once against the wearer’s eardrums.

Ford Motor Company - The Ford Fiesta: This new tech-heavy update to the longtime model comes with the Sync system, which allows drivers to customize their dash display, synchronize their iPhone, update their social networking site, and have their corpse embalmed when they hit a tree while taking advantage of the car’s functionality.

November 16, 2008

The Concise Oxford Contractors Dictionary – British Oil Industry Edition

Filed under: Badly Engineered, Clean — Bad Jim @ 6:29 pm

Thank Terry in Corpus Christi for this one:

ACCOUNTANT: Either 1. Idiot who has to be told what to do, or 2. Minor-god capable of destroying demonic beings (see TAX INSPECTOR)

AGENT: Mythical being who lives at the end of the phone line but is still your absolute best friend ever (see DCM and CONTINGENCY PLANNING)

AGENTS MARGIN: A supposedly small figure which is capable of big things, like buying big cars and foreign holiday homes

BABE: Unknown form of life, believed to exist in other industries

BID DEPARTMENT: Somewhere to work when you need a rest from the real world

CLIENT: A person who is convinced he knows what he wants. Usually proved to be incorrect.

COCK UP: Anything done or any decision made by the CLIENT or by a STAFF MAN

CONTINGENCY PLANNING: (verb. ‘keeping ear to the ground’) Performed on a constant basis by all smart CONTRACTORS. Involves continuous updating of CV, frequent phone calls to mates and agents,

CONTRACTOR: A person who actually knows how to do the job, also is an expert on company law, taxation and offshore bank accounts.

CV: A set of lies submitted to an agent and bearing no similarity to events or persons living or dead

DAILY RATE: HOURLY RATE multiplied by 9, but only requiring you to show your face in the office for 10 minutes each day

DCM: Don’t Come Monday (sin. Formal termination of contract). Extremely vulgar, only chance a STAFF MAN gets to feel superior

DRAFTSMAN: Extinct species, replaced by the self named SENIOR DESIGNER

ENGINEER: A term that can be used by any person who has ever picked up a shovel or changed a light bulb.

EXPENSES: Money expended by CONTRACTOR in legitimate course of his business such as booze bills, golf club fees, lunch time sandwich money, holidays

GAS: A by-product of OIL, to be stored offshore for the sole purpose of making really big flares on cold nights. Occasionally piped to the BEACH to be sold

HOURLY RATE: An imaginary figure for a job, always less than the correct figure

IMMEDIATE REQUIREMENT: Expression used by agents, which means ‘you will not hear anything more about this job for at least 6 months’

INTERVIEW: One and only opportunity for the STAFF MAN to try to impress you with his expertise. Seldom effective


LOCAL CONTRACT: Any job within 300 miles of your home

LONG TERM CONTRACT: Term used by agents to denote any job expected to last more than 20 minutes

NATIONAL INSURANCE: Similar Government scheme to PAYE, similar method of avoidance

OFFSHORE: Place of refuge if the WIFE or KIDS are giving you a hard time

OIL: 1. If prefixed by ‘crude’ then refers to black smelly stuff that you don’t want to get on your shoes. 2. If prefixed by ‘baby’ then refers to the substance used in massage parlours. Note that only item 1 pays your wages

PAYE: Government scheme whereby CONTRACTORS are invited to make donations to a Government charity. Not applicable if you have a good ACCOUNTANT

PROJECT MANAGER: 1. Idiot if STAFF MAN, to be avoided. 2. As happy as a pig in shit if CONTRACTOR, also to be avoided

QA MANAGER: Position available to all ex-welders from Tyneside who have forgotten how to weld

QUIET WEEK: Disease with often terminal results. See DCM and CONTINGENCY PLANNING

RESUME: A set of lies submitted by an agent to a client and bearing no similarity to CV

SAFETY MANAGER: Person who knows how to lie with statistics, never seen offshore or in any place that could be considered dangerous or likely to get shoes muddy

SAT DIVER: Person with clotted cheese for a brain, to be made fun of when safely enclosed in a saturation chamber, to be avoided at all costs at all other times

SENIOR DESIGNER: A draftsman, person that despite having no ‘O’ levels has the unusual belief that he is smarter than the TAX INSPECTOR and VAT MAN.

SOME OFFSHORE WORK: See SOME TRAVEL INVOLVED but with no gin and tonic and a toilet that is shared by 50 other people, half of whom don’t know how it works

SOME TRAVEL INVOLVED: Term used to describe a job that requires 364 days a year of sitting with your bum on an economy seat going to places where the local hobby is kidnapping people

STAFF MAN (Vulg.): A derogatory expression used to indicate all lower forms of life

STATUTORY HOLIDAY: Government legislation designed to reduce CONTRACTORS income

TAX INSPECTOR: 1. Evil being, demonical thing (sin. Beelzebub). 2. Nasty bogey man used to frighten infant contractors

TIME SHEET: 1. Agency time sheet – most important piece of paperwork completed each week. 2. Client time sheet – A device invented solely to annoy CONTRACTOR for at least 10 minutes each week

VAT MAN: Mythological evil being conceived without parents being married

September 4, 2007

It could be . . .

Filed under: Badly Engineered — Bad Jim @ 1:06 pm

From Coonass Kim in Louisiana:A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have an AutoCAD monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?”
The Shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a Welding Inspector.”

August 22, 2007

Letter to Devon Energy about drug use on drilling rigs

Filed under: Badly Engineered, Clean — Bad Jim @ 2:37 pm

Letter to Devon Energy about drug use on drilling rigs
Devon Energy
20 North Broadway
Oklahoma City , Oklahoma 73102

Dear Sirs,

I wish to inform you of a rampant drug problem that is apparently occurring on drilling rigs across the country. I was in a rural café in west Texas and overheard two rigs hands discussing their jobs. I was in shock at their blatant discussion of drug paraphernalia that is commonly found on all drilling rigs.

Apparently, there is a pusher on every rig! One of the rig hands was complaining that his pusher hollered at him for putting too much dope in the end of a pipe. It’s hard to believe, but he also bragged about being able to roll a 30-foot joint all by himself! The second rig hand stated that he was wasted because everyone on the rig floor had been tripping all day. He said they were tripping out on something called DST. It must be similar to LSD because a man stopped by the rig hands’ table and asked for directions to the rig. He said he had to deliver a load of acid.

I just want to be a good citizen and report what I overheard. I hope you can clean up this situation. It’s no wonder that the USA is so reliant on foreign oil.

Yours Truly,

A Concerned Citizen

June 2, 2007

3 Contractors

Filed under: Badly Engineered, Clean — Bad Jim @ 7:09 pm

Oldie from Injuneer Joe in Fountain Hills, AZ:

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from China, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape
measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the
job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and
pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this
job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the Chinese contractor said, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even
measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”

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