Badjim.com

February 9, 2015

Zombie Jonas Salk Rises from Grave to Hunt Idiots

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:21 am

Zombie Jonas Salk Rises from Grave to Hunt Idiots
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) The reanimated corpse of Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical researcher who developed the first polio vaccine, rose from the grave Friday morning on what authorities believe is a mission to hunt down idiots.
The zombie version of Salk, wearing a tattered white lab coat and looking ‘incredibly angry’ according to one eyewitness, was seen advancing on the U.S. Capitol building at approximately 11 A.M.
While Senator Rand Paul, of Kentucky, hid in the Senate cloakroom, armed security forces repelled the zombie virologist, who, seemingly unharmed, moved on in search of new prey.
According to law enforcement, the reanimated Salk then stole a car and headed off in the direction of Trenton, New Jersey.
“We have reason to believe he’s coming for Governor Christie,” said a staff member from Chris Christie’s office. “Fortunately, the Governor is never here.”
With both Disneyland and Marin County on high alert, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security warned that, as long as the rampaging vaccine pioneer was at large, law enforcement would be stretched thin.
“Unfortunately, we do not possess the resources to protect every idiot in this country,” the spokesman said.

October 17, 2013

Husband Convicted Of Manslaughter After Dutch Oven Goes ‘Horribly Wrong’

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 8:40 pm

Blame Pussyhair Peterson in Houston for this.

Mr. Brian Flannery was convicted of 2nd Degree Manslaughter today at Peckham Crown Court, receiving a 5-year suspended sentence for the accidental death of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a ‘Dutch Oven’ that went, as the Judge described it, “horribly, horribly wrong.”
The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence, which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.
Arguing for the defence, Mr Cavendish QC, stated that Mr Flannery was deeply upset and regretful. The incident was intended as a light-hearted practical joke, indeed it was the first time Mr Flannery had even tried what is commonly known on the street as a ‘Dutch Oven’, and even then only after hearing some friends talking one evening in the pub after five-a-side football, about ‘doing it’ to their wives ‘all the time’.

They argued that Mr Flannery had miscalculated two crucial factors which led to the tragic outcome. The first being Mrs Flannery’s military tucking in of the 600 weight cotton sheets when she made the bed that morning, which created a near airtight seal . Secondly, Mr Flannery had neglected to remember that he had attended a long business lunch at an Indian restaurant on Brick Lane that day, at which he had consumed a dozen onion Bajees, eight Poppadom, six Samosas, and an extra large beef Vindaloo with garlic naan, all washed down with 8 pints of Guinness beer. The resulting trapped wind, which he released within a 6 inch proximity of Mrs Flannery’s face, came in at around 6 litres gas of 95% methane by volume.

During sentencing, the judge, The Hon Dame Roberts, said, “I accept that you did not intend that your wife should die in this manner, and I note both your grief and regret, which is why I will suspend your sentence on the grounds of time already served. Nonetheless, the conviction remains, in the hope that you will be an example to other husbands and boyfriends across the UK, and a ray of light to their long suffering wives and girlfriends, that this frankly gross, and often dangerous practice can no longer be taken lightly, or risk facing such tragic consequences as you have.”
Outside the court, an emotional and weary Mr Flannery said, “I am truly very sorry for what I did to my wife, and living with the guilt of what I done is punishment enough. I just hope that others will learn from my mistake. I swear, I will never, ever fart in a woman’s face again. At least, not in private.”

The Ronson Writter

October 12, 2013

Shingles

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean — Bad Jim @ 11:50 am

Oldie but goody from Queen Eddaline in Stafford, Texas:
Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had….
“Shingles,” he replied.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles..” So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
“Shingles”
The doctor asked, “Where?”
“Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??”

September 17, 2013

Stamps?

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 11:48 am

From our old friend Sagging Tray George in Colorado (or maybe it’s Montana these days)
A woman goes to the hospital.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the Doctor.
“Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, “Those aren’t postage stamps, my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas.”

September 14, 2013

Just a general check up

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 6:12 am

From Rough Rider Dale in Egypt:

I visited the doctor today, nothing major, just a general check up.
Much to my surprise, my doctor said “You’ve recently had oral sex Mr. Jones!”
Taken aback a bit, I replied with “Crikey, I didn’t expect you to notice - what gave it away; is it the smell of my breath, is there a pubic hair in my tooth or do I smile the smile of a pleasures man?”
The doctor said “No Mr. Jones, you’ve got sh!t on your nose!”

July 26, 2013

2 medical students

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean, Geriatrics — Bad Jim @ 10:44 am

From Uncle Randy in Chicago:
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

“You thought - but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

“You thought - but you are wrong.”

“Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man replied, “Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!”

March 29, 2013

The Funniest Staff Meeting

Filed under: Bad Medicine — Bad Jim @ 6:34 am

From *Welders do it with hotter rods* Terry
The Funniest Staff Meeting
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: V!agra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of V!agra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List..
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:

10. V!agra, Whaazzzz up!
9. V!agra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. V!agra, like a rock !
7. V!agra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. V!agra , Be all that you can be.
5. V!agra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. V!agra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. V!agra, Home of the whopper!
2. V!agra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

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