Badjim.com

July 8, 2016

Shaggy dog

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:42 am

Bad shaggy dog joke (aren’t shaggy dog jokes bad by definition?) from Pope Barefoot Bob in Houston:

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms, “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says :I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second man says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second gman says *I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.* POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fcuked up.”

May 26, 2016

1-line groaners

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:25 am

Happy belated Towel Day (thanks to Hugh Gass for the reminder)

“Don’t forget!” - yes Bad Jim forgot!

http://towelday.org

Here’s some baaaad ones from Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods”"

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds…
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

September 22, 2015

Really BAD videoof the Day

Filed under: Groaners, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 8:50 am

Blame Info Bob in Houston:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/1XWo4ufMkG4?rel=0>

September 21, 2015

Fable of the porcupine

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:44 am

From Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods” Takahashi
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

August 30, 2015

Really BAD video of the Day

Filed under: Groaners, Link of the Week — Bad Jim @ 11:11 am

Blame Info Bob in Houston:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/1XWo4ufMkG4?rel=0&gt

May 26, 2015

Magical

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 12:22 pm

Blame Pope Barefoot Bob for this:

What is the most magical breed of dog?

The labracadabrador…

May 5, 2015

It’s May 5!

Filed under: Groaners, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 10:39 am

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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