Badjim.com

September 2, 2009

How many SEC students does it take to change a light bulb?

Filed under: Clean, Light Bulbs — Bad Jim @ 8:37 pm

College football (American rules of course!) season will kick-off this weekend in the USA. Here’s a little humor for you Southeastern Conference fans compliments of Whiner Glen aka “Big Football Contest Operator In Michigan”:

How many SEC students does it take to change a light bulb?

At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.

At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb,
two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, “GO TO HELL, OLE MISS.”

At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer’s Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas

July 7, 2009

Lightbulb

Filed under: Clean, Light Bulbs — Bad Jim @ 8:52 am

Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. fish

August 23, 2007

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

Filed under: Bad Religon, Clean, Light Bulbs — Bad Jim @ 6:48 am

Oldie from Mom in Indiana:
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish :
What’s a light bulb?

January 17, 2006

How to get off work

Filed under: Bad Blondes, Light Bulbs — Bad Jim @ 4:46 pm

From Hot Tamale Beth in Bellaire, Texas:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing ?”

I told him I was a light bulb. He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, “And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark…”*

September 22, 2005

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

Filed under: Light Bulbs, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:15 pm

If you’re on the Texas Gulf Coast as you read this — Bad Jim’s thots and prayers go out to you — if you’re lucky enough to be far from Rita’s path — thank your lucky stars!
From ‘KY Wildcat’ Woodard in Tianjin, China:
Answer: TEN…

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness,

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb,

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner “Bulb Accomplished”,

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally “in the dark” the whole time,

8. One to viciously smear #7,

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along,

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb.

April 10, 2005

ADD Light Bulb

Filed under: Clean, Light Bulbs — Bad Jim @ 7:07 pm

and from that weldin’ inspectin’ mofo, Coonass Kim in New Iberia:

Q: How many children with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wanna ride bikes?

October 29, 2004

How many?

Filed under: Clean, Ethnic/Regional Jokes, Light Bulbs — Bad Jim @ 10:44 am

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Juan.