Badjim.com

This week’s winner of Bad Jim*s “Dis guy is gettin brains fer
Chrissmiss Awrad”: Dennis Hawkins. Contributed by Injuneer Joe in
Arizona

Bank robber wore clown pants, fake breasts
Jul. 26, 2010 08:55 AM
Associated Press
SWISSVALE, Pa. - Authorities say a Pittsburgh-area man robbed a bank
wearing a woman’s blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants.

Swissvale police say 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock was
sitting in a parked car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in
a bag of money when he was arrested Saturday.

Police Chief Greg Geppert says Hawkins robbed the bank at gunpoint,
using a toy BB gun he had shoplifted from a store.

Geppert says Hawkins then entered a woman’s car. She got out, took
her keys and alerted police. Hawkins was found sitting in the car.

He is being held on $230,000 bail. It’s not clear whether he has an attorney.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

From Terry Tak in Corpus Christi, TX (Home of Whataburger)
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

Bad Jim bought a new coffee maker this week and a card with the following message was enclosed (I swear to gawd!)
Caution: Make sure to empty your coffee carafe before starting a new brew cycle. Failure to do so will lead to cold coffee and overflow of coffee from the carafe.

From MBlack in Thompsons, Texas:

Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians. ” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians! ” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Ave in Montana sent us this some time ago. Must of got lost in the Bad Jim archives!
The man’s ordeal ends when a passenger pulls the emergency brake
Oct. 12, 2009
BERLIN - A German man mooning railway staff in a departing train got his trousers caught in a carriage door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks.
The 22-year-old journalism student shoved his backside against the window of a low-slung double-decker train when staff forced him off in Lauenbrueck for traveling without a ticket, a spokesman for police in the northern city of Bremen said.
“It’s a miracle he wasn*t badly hurt,” the spokesman said on Monday. “This sort of thing can end up killing you.”
Instead, dangling by his trousers, the man got pulled along for about 200 meters, all the while managing to keep his legs away from the wheels of the train.
The ordeal ended when a passenger pulled the emergency brake. Rescue services were called in, causing rail service between Bremen and Hamburg to be suspended for over an hour, delaying 23 trains.
The man - unharmed except for cuts and bruises - now faces charges of dangerous interference in rail transport and insulting the train staff and may face a sizeable compensation claim for the delays he caused, police said.
“He was full of remorse when I talked to him,” the spokesman said. “And he advised others not to try the same thing.”

Thank Jim P. in Damascus for resurrecting this oldie:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ‘em.”

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many people, after having been infected for some years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It’s sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don’t engage in such behavior again.