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February 9, 2015

Zombie Jonas Salk Rises from Grave to Hunt Idiots

Filed under: Bad Medicine, Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 11:21 am

Zombie Jonas Salk Rises from Grave to Hunt Idiots
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) The reanimated corpse of Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical researcher who developed the first polio vaccine, rose from the grave Friday morning on what authorities believe is a mission to hunt down idiots.
The zombie version of Salk, wearing a tattered white lab coat and looking ‘incredibly angry’ according to one eyewitness, was seen advancing on the U.S. Capitol building at approximately 11 A.M.
While Senator Rand Paul, of Kentucky, hid in the Senate cloakroom, armed security forces repelled the zombie virologist, who, seemingly unharmed, moved on in search of new prey.
According to law enforcement, the reanimated Salk then stole a car and headed off in the direction of Trenton, New Jersey.
“We have reason to believe he’s coming for Governor Christie,” said a staff member from Chris Christie’s office. “Fortunately, the Governor is never here.”
With both Disneyland and Marin County on high alert, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security warned that, as long as the rampaging vaccine pioneer was at large, law enforcement would be stretched thin.
“Unfortunately, we do not possess the resources to protect every idiot in this country,” the spokesman said.

December 8, 2014

Obama’s puppy

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 5:03 am

An old joke that’s been repurposed. Still funny.

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran
over the Obama’s new puppy, sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He
climbed out of his rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
He knew Michele would go friggin’ ballistic.

Then, Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
brushed it off and immediately a genie popped out.

“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,” said the
genie “as a reward I shall grant you one wish.”

“Well,” said Bill, “I have all the material things I need, but let me
show you this damned dog.”

They walk over to the splattered remains of sunny. “Do you think you
could bring this dog back to life for me?” Bill asked.

The genie looked at the remains and shook his head. “This critter is
too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there’s
something else you’d like?”

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two
photos.

“I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica,” said
Bill, showing the genie the first photo. “But I’m actually married to
this woman called Hillary,” and he showed the genie the second photo.

“You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her
look like Monica?”

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
“Sh!t, let’s have another look at that dog!”

July 27, 2014

Rick Perry orders Dallas Cowboys to Mexican border

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 2:07 am

DALLAS (The Borowitz Report) In his boldest move yet to address the
immigration crisis, on Thursday Texas Governor Rick Perry dispatched
the Dallas Cowboys to the United States’ border with Mexico.

In a photo opportunity with the Cowboys and several of the team’s
cheerleaders, Perry explained the rationale behind his latest
decision. “Those who would cross our borders illegally will have to
contend with the power and fury of America’s Team,” he said.

Critics of the move dismissed it as political theatre, noting that
once the Cowboys arrived at the border it was unclear what they would
do there. Additionally, there were questions about how effective the
Cowboys would be in stopping illegal immigrants, since the team has
the worst-ranked defense in the N.F.L.

July 20, 2014

Christie: I Would Bring Traffic Over the Border to a Standstill

Filed under: Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 10:32 am

July 17, 2014
IOWA CITY (The Borowitz Report) Testing the political waters in Iowa today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that if he is elected President, he would bring the flow of illegal immigrants over the U.S.- Mexico border to a virtual standstill.

“There are ways of keeping people from getting to where they want to go,” Christie said, claiming that he was the only Republican hopeful with the hands-on experience necessary to fix the border crisis.

The New Jersey governor was vague about how he would halt traffic over the border, but exuded confidence that he was the right man for the job.

“I’d make a few phone calls,” he said. “It would get done.”July 17, 2014

Christie: I Would Bring Traffic Over the Border to a Standstill

IOWA CITY (The Borowitz Report) Testing the political waters in Iowa today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that if he is elected President, he would bring the flow of illegal immigrants over the U.S.- Mexico border to a virtual standstill.

“There are ways of keeping people from getting to where they want to go,” Christie said, claiming that he was the only Republican hopeful with the hands-on experience necessary to fix the border crisis.

The New Jersey governor was vague about how he would halt traffic over the border, but exuded confidence that he was the right man for the job.

“I’d make a few phone calls,” he said. “It would get done.”

April 16, 2014

Zuckerberg Vows Facebook Will Shoot Down Google Drones

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 4:35 pm

MENLO PARK, CA (The Borowitz Report) — One day after Google outbid Facebook for a manufacturer of solar-powered drones, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg served warning that his company was prepared to blow Google’s drones out of the skies.
At a presentation for Facebook employees at the company’s headquarters in Menlo Park, Zuckerberg announced plans to build a $24 billion Facebook laser shield, a global network of satellites capable of identifying and incinerating Google drones in midair.
Zuckerberg delighted his audience with a brief animated demonstration showing a Facebook satellite locking in on a Google drone and obliterating it with a green laser.
“Unfriended, bitch,” said Zuckerberg, to a roaring ovation from his employees.
Within an hour, Google responded with a stern warning of is own, vowing, “Any act of aggression against Google drones will not stand.”
To that end, the company announced that it was prepared to shoot down Facebook’s laser satellites with a long-range super cannon called Google Gun.

March 18, 2014

CNN Apologizes

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 4:03 am

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) CNN apologized to its viewers today for briefly airing a story on Sunday that had nothing to do with the missing Malaysia Airlines flight.

The story, which caused thousands of viewers to contact the network in anger, had something to do with Crimea, Ukraine, and Russia.

In the official apology, CNN chief Jeff Zucker wrote, “On Sunday, we briefly cut away from our nonstop coverage of Flight 370 to talk about something else. We’re not going to sugarcoat it: we messed up. CNN regrets the error and promises our viewers that it won’t happen again.”

December 14, 2013

Hubble Telescope Sends Back Annoying Stream of Selfies

Filed under: Clean, Politics as usual — Bad Jim @ 6:36 am

HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report) NASA’s Hubble Space Telescope, whose mission is to capture images that help scientists better understand the universe, has instead spent much of the past several weeks transmitting an annoying series of self-portraits, NASA scientists confirmed today.

NASA officials were alarmed in mid-November, when, ignoring their orders, the Hubble extended a long robotic arm in order to get a good vantage point on itself and began snapping thousands of blurry, low-resolution photos.

Despite NASA’s repeated instructions to the Hubble to look for evidence of water on distant planets, the telescope continued to produce more and more self-portraits, posting them to its Instagram and Twitter accounts along with the hashtag #pimpin.

Harland Dorrinson, operations manager at the Johnson Space Center, said that NASA had monitored the images sent back by the Hubble since 1990, but that if it persists in sending back nothing but self-portraits, NASA would ‘probably stop following it.’

“The Hubble might think it looks good in these pictures, but they’re of no interest to anyone but the Hubble itself,” he said.

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