July 10, 2016

In the News - Walmart brawl

Filed under: Clean, In the News — Bad Jim @ 2:51 pm

A 30-Person Brawl Broke Out in Walmart After Some Teens Laughed at a Woman’s Dress
By: VICE Staff
July 6, 2016

Last weekend, some last-minute Fourth of July hot dog shopping at a Walmart in New York erupted into a 30-person fistfight complete with flying trash cans and baseball bats, WHEC in Rochester reports.

According to WHEC, the whole thing started when a few teenage girls started snapping cellphone photos of people in the store and making fun of a woman’s dress. When the woman’s family members caught on, a fight broke out and quickly escalated into an all-out brawl with other shoppers.

According to Police Chief Jim VanBrederode, the brawlers even grabbed baseball bats from the sporting goods section to fight with.

“The adults jumped right in with the kids, and this is what it turned into,” Chief VanBrederode told WHEC.

One of the fighters, 17-year-old Nykia Brooks, allegedly split a 52-year-old guy’s head open with a can of food. She was arrested along with three others and was charged with second-degree assault, a felony, as well as two violations.

Walmart is planning to step up its security following the incident, and Chief VanBrederode says the police are still reviewing security footage and plan to make more arrests.

“If you’re in that video, you ought to be looking over your shoulder,” he told WHEC. “It’s just a matter of time before we come knocking on some doors.”

July 8, 2016

Shaggy dog

Filed under: Groaners — Bad Jim @ 11:42 am

Bad shaggy dog joke (aren’t shaggy dog jokes bad by definition?) from Pope Barefoot Bob in Houston:

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms, “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says :I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second man says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second gman says *I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.* POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fcuked up.”

June 4, 2016

Actual dialog . . .

Filed under: Actual conversations heard . . ., Clean — Bad Jim @ 1:59 pm

Actual dialog heard at Bad Jim’s Grill and Pool Lounge:
Jim, call my phone. I can’t find it.
Ring ring ring.
OK, thanks!
Please call again, I know it’s in my bag but I can’t find it!

May 26, 2016

1-line groaners

Filed under: Clean, Groaners — Bad Jim @ 8:25 am

Happy belated Towel Day (thanks to Hugh Gass for the reminder)

“Don’t forget!” - yes Bad Jim forgot!

Here’s some baaaad ones from Terry “Welders do it with hotter rods”"

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds…
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

March 22, 2016

William Shatner

Filed under: Clean, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 3:54 pm

Happy “Talk like William Shatner” Day

Thank Steve “I get more ass than a toilet seat” Moore

February 10, 2016

Ash Wedensday

Filed under: Bad Religon, Jim's Bad Holidays — Bad Jim @ 11:32 pm

I unwittingly had my forehead anointed with blessed ashes for Ash Wednesday. Must have fallen asleep on my bong again Fat Tuesday night.

January 3, 2016

How It All Began

Filed under: Clean, Generally Bad — Bad Jim @ 1:33 am

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date..

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