Badjim.com

New Year’s Dinner

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

Congratulations to the Rice Owls Football team for winning the Texas Bowl last Tuesday. This was their first bowl victory since 1954! Several jokelist members were in attendance. Besides Bad Jim, Head Bozo, Wackozacko, Hugh Jass, Head-full of-ideas Sean, and Dr. Andy were on hand at Reliant Stadium.
Several folks sent this one to Bad Jim:
New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died… Dido must be
Sh!tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ’cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Sh!t, I wasn’t listening………. Self-raising?”

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout for Help”.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ..

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber.”

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud “I’ve already got one!”

It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

Resolutions You Can Actually Keep…

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising.

7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least…

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
No Christmas is complete until you’ve read this classic……. Compliments of Rigger Robert:
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, Eddy

Dear Eddy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I give you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked crack when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat-ass mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their fuckin’ kid ‘Francis’ nowadays? I giving you a doll instead because I bet you’re gay.
Santa

Dear Santa ,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Marty

Dear Marty,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love,
Paul

Dear Paul,
Are you really that fuckin’ gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house you little dick.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
C.J.

C.J.
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that shit doesn’t work with me. You’re getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself ‘Marky’, that’s why you’re getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

From Mrs. Bad Jim:
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

- Men can’t pack a bag.

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.. . having to be seen with all those elves.

- Men don’t answer their mail.

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.”

- Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

-I can buy the fact other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

Yesterday evening, I had to change a light bulb. Later I crossed the road and walked into a bar.

I realized my life was a big joke.